She told me she loved me last night. I immediately got high after she left; almost like a cause and effect. Love scares the shit out of me. I can't tell this woman my secrets; what will she think of me? Do you have any idea how hugely this is frowned upon? How badly I would be ostracized if this actually became a well known fact. you can't die from it and its almost been a year but I still have no idea how I contracted hsv 2.
I shake my head in disbelief everytime I take my pill in the morning. I cray my hearts eyes out every night. But this is not a reality for me in this world. Or at least not a reality this world around me realizes. And I dont think that will ever change.
Im at work right now and I can't talk long but I just had to get this off my chest; I could marry this woman, potentially, and never tell her until its time to have kids. I could just act like I didn't know myself because dealing with that as a new issue would be way easier to digest then to say Ive had this and kept it from you.
The sad part is I dont even know if I love her back. My life is a nightmare right now and this is just the tip of the iceberg old friend.....
Monday, September 9, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
I have this feeling inside....
I cant deny it, it eats me from the inside evrytime I look at you.
Your are beautiful. I deserve you. because you are beautiful.
BUt I just ahve this feeling, that a catastrophic nightmare is going to happen here. I will neevr tell youthis feeling because then it wont happen, and deep down I deserve what fate has for me more.
I have this feeling, this incredible feeling that sometime in the future I will be left holding the bag. We spoke yesterday, and I dont think you know what romance is. You've never loved someone before. I dont know this but I can feel it.
I met you around two months ago, and thats when the crush started. I fought it, like I always fight it. And Ive openned up now. Its only been few weeks and I normally grow these kinds of things fast but with you Im swimming before you even know where the water is.
My gut. Now that Im listening, my gut has never been more right. I have this feeling that Im just going to be left holding the bag. Its almost as if I can feel our failure right now, at this very moment. Its almost as if I can see all this coming crashing down around me. and Ill deserve it. I
Everyday Im changing because of who I live with. But you yennifer are going to let me down. I look into your eyes and hope.......
I just hope. You look at me like im a good guy. Like im your guy. and Im not. Im no ones guy. Im a unfaithful fuck and its make me crack. My insanity mounts higher everyday. I dont know what to do with this girl who wont take no for answer and this woman who's demon was as bad as mine is now. She prays for a future where I stick around but I cant. Im a nomad. Im a homeless man with three houses.
When I was on top of you yesterday and looked into your eyes and I saw a scared little girl. I saw a runaway. Im afraid of what I saw deep down in those eyes. Im afraid of what you'll do to me. Its driven me to this point. and its frustrating me now.
I wont text you tonight. And you wont text me either. Ill be with her tomorrow, wanting her to be you, and thinking about you, but with her. Sadly, you''ll text me tomorrow, maybe, and I wont respond. Im at arms length from you, but I can still touch you from your arms length. Your father dying has fucked you up deeper than any psychiatrist can reverse. THat wound will neevr heal and it will be a long time before you get close enough to someone where youll allow yourself to yes when he pops the question. I know it wont be me on bended knee.
The saddest part is that I know that when it happens, Ill get over you quickly. It will hurt put I already know how to dress the wound, and Ill heal quickly. All becasue I feel this way now. If theres ever been a time where Ive hoped I was worng its now. BUt somehting tells me Im not worng.
That crazy past Ive told you about and downplayed will bite me in the ass. As if its not already biting me everyday of my life, but it will devour me whole before I become right with God. God will get even with me, his vegence will rain on me and I will be broken before I am allowed to be truly, deeply fullfilled with happiness.
The lies Ive told, the weed Ive smoked, the things Ive done will ALL come back to bite me in the ass. And I spend every waking moment waiting for it.
Until that day Ill play my guitar until it hits
I cant deny it, it eats me from the inside evrytime I look at you.
Your are beautiful. I deserve you. because you are beautiful.
BUt I just ahve this feeling, that a catastrophic nightmare is going to happen here. I will neevr tell youthis feeling because then it wont happen, and deep down I deserve what fate has for me more.
I have this feeling, this incredible feeling that sometime in the future I will be left holding the bag. We spoke yesterday, and I dont think you know what romance is. You've never loved someone before. I dont know this but I can feel it.
I met you around two months ago, and thats when the crush started. I fought it, like I always fight it. And Ive openned up now. Its only been few weeks and I normally grow these kinds of things fast but with you Im swimming before you even know where the water is.
My gut. Now that Im listening, my gut has never been more right. I have this feeling that Im just going to be left holding the bag. Its almost as if I can feel our failure right now, at this very moment. Its almost as if I can see all this coming crashing down around me. and Ill deserve it. I
Everyday Im changing because of who I live with. But you yennifer are going to let me down. I look into your eyes and hope.......
I just hope. You look at me like im a good guy. Like im your guy. and Im not. Im no ones guy. Im a unfaithful fuck and its make me crack. My insanity mounts higher everyday. I dont know what to do with this girl who wont take no for answer and this woman who's demon was as bad as mine is now. She prays for a future where I stick around but I cant. Im a nomad. Im a homeless man with three houses.
When I was on top of you yesterday and looked into your eyes and I saw a scared little girl. I saw a runaway. Im afraid of what I saw deep down in those eyes. Im afraid of what you'll do to me. Its driven me to this point. and its frustrating me now.
I wont text you tonight. And you wont text me either. Ill be with her tomorrow, wanting her to be you, and thinking about you, but with her. Sadly, you''ll text me tomorrow, maybe, and I wont respond. Im at arms length from you, but I can still touch you from your arms length. Your father dying has fucked you up deeper than any psychiatrist can reverse. THat wound will neevr heal and it will be a long time before you get close enough to someone where youll allow yourself to yes when he pops the question. I know it wont be me on bended knee.
The saddest part is that I know that when it happens, Ill get over you quickly. It will hurt put I already know how to dress the wound, and Ill heal quickly. All becasue I feel this way now. If theres ever been a time where Ive hoped I was worng its now. BUt somehting tells me Im not worng.
That crazy past Ive told you about and downplayed will bite me in the ass. As if its not already biting me everyday of my life, but it will devour me whole before I become right with God. God will get even with me, his vegence will rain on me and I will be broken before I am allowed to be truly, deeply fullfilled with happiness.
The lies Ive told, the weed Ive smoked, the things Ive done will ALL come back to bite me in the ass. And I spend every waking moment waiting for it.
Until that day Ill play my guitar until it hits
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)