Feels fucking amazing to be back in the US. Its crazy what a week in Mexico will do your perspective on things. yea I was in Cancun, yea I was on spring break with a bunch of other privileged middle to upper class white kids, but the things I saw and did made me think a lot about how I live my life here in the states.But the moral of the story for times sake is that I can live free, have fun all while remaining safe and responsible about the things I care about all while just being me along the way. When I say be "me" I mean live without second guessing myself in almost every word and action I do. And not letting things people say (i.e YOUR shitty opinion) affect the choices and learn life on my own. I learned theres isnt any one particular time to be wild and reckless, but you can life every single moment of your life balancing both.
I landed and thought I was having a hard time adjusting to the social insane asylum that was my hotel resort, and honestly was like "well fuck this, this is too crazy Im to old for this kind of shit" with all the 21 year olds I was sharing hotel space and the horrendously shitty quality food around me and raging shirtless tatted up white broskis I thought I was gonna try and lay low and chill and just party with my frat brothers. I was in for a pleasant surprise.
After getting carted out of the club like a fallen soldier on a battle field, getting wheelchaired up to my room on the third night and losing my sneakers somehow, I thought I was done. Done drinking, done having a good time done with spring break. This nigga right here, turned shit around and went on a living spree after that. We had 8 days to live it up in cancun, and by the time we were in the airport on the way home from mexico I had won the can-poon award (for slaying a grand total of 2 chics over the course of a week) and basically just went on a living spree, bungee jumping, zip lining and well diving around the mexican jungle with rest of my time there.
Can't believe how much shit was done and said in one week. I love my fraternity brothers, if for no other reason then they are new yorkers, and everything they say is raw and funny and to the point. I want to be the kind of person who entertains peoples everywhere I go, but is serious and overall a REAL person with each and every encounter I have. They from me as much as I learn from them and I can tell I blend in with my crew, but I know that deep down inside I am very different. The thing that connects me with them in the overall passion for life I feel that will always keep us close even if one of the moved to another planet I know I would still feel close to them. They love me and I love them.... I look out for them....they look out for me. I want to be buried next to my line brother when I die.
I should also tell you that over the course of this trip we found out that clean water is like gold in some countries, and that the I had some chocolate milk down there that pretty much just turned my insides into chocolate, and that we all lost weight after a week f less then filling portions at every meal. (Call me a spoiled american). I should also add that they don't refrigerate their condiments-so the mayonaise was hotter then a field slave in the sun, and I don't know what to say about the catsup on each table or the sad 3 lettuce leaf "salad" they served us every time we ate at the sports bar in our hotel. I guess I should also mention that the college spring break company we booked with, studentcity, pretty much raped us a $1700 vacation, and then put us in a shitty 3 people to one king sized bedroom. This hotel was so first class wea ll checked in and the computers systems crashed for a few hours so that when I called for an extra cot they were basically rendered useless....so when a few floors lost electricity for a while and the wifi just did not work somedays, just shrugged and went down to the lobby for a drink.
This was probably the best vacation I've been on yet, so far in my life, basically because I could actually drink on this one and wasn't with family or a girlfriend. Im still traveling right now as we speak thoughas my travel is 4 hours longer than everyone else because the travel company booked my flight from nyc and added an extra 8 day on both sides of this vacation. Thats all I care to reveal for now, peace.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
THe day your worst nightmare happens
All I wanted was that fucking promotion. Ive been making connections and relationships, learning from other people around the office things to show growth and it s not even worht the neergy of typing its all a fucking shit show. Im shaking. I wanted to cry for a second fo rbutthen I realized that this place is not worth the emotional response I want to give right now. I had just now gotten back to my cube from the gym and was starving, but I ve completely lost my appetite. What pains me the most is that this kid and I really tried to have a good relationship and be upfront with each other and after it all, after all the bullshit we've witnessed and talked about together, and for christs sake I even smoked with the kid about 10 or 20 times, I almost thanked God for the connection we had and took it more serious then just a guy I worked with I treated him like a team member, of just ME and HIM.
This Nas track is the only reason Im stoned faced right now. I stared at my computer until it went blank and he actually caught me for a second frozen in that but it done and its over and i am so fucking embarassed. Let m ejust be this real with you: I could cold blodded murder this man right now. I could look deep into his eyes as his soul falls from his body down deep, into the abyss of hell. I coul dwatch his entire family burn on stakes like withces did in the midevil times. I keep trying to put this place in perspective, I keep trying to tell myself that this is all temporary and it doesnt mean anything but the largerst quiestion of my career at this place reamians: what does Will, Steve, Jake, Gyodi and all the other little faggots that have been promoted in here have in common that I dont have? These little shit eating cunts are all fake, dont have any real substance to them and I cant seem to feel like anyone deserved anything like this. The second most painful thing about this entire situation is that I feel like I just go tfired. I mine as well have. I feel like Im a JD, an Ian or a Remy, or maybe even a Darby. I feel just as worthless as them.
The pain I feel I want to inflict on everyone in this building right now; I want to bring a gun to work and just kill everyone who works on the same floor as me. I want to watch them all perish, so very very slowly. And in 2014 people can get arrested for saying shit liek this but nothing will happen to me because Im not gonna do shit because Im a pussy. Im not going to say anything about this to anyone, and I even congratualted the dude as soon as I read the email, printed it out and put it above my desk. I need to be insulted liek this every day. I need have my face spat in eveyday. I need to see this
Thats the 3rd chill that just ran down my spine just now.....
Holy shit I don't think Ive ever felt such pain like this before.....it hurts in my soul, and when I think about I immediately know that this feel will never go away. I still shaking but since Im typing so fast the people in the lounge around me cant even tell.
FUck proofreading this shit...my shoulder fucking hurts because I probably worked out wrong, I'm literally falling apart at the seams right now and the only thing keeping me together as a human being is this stillmatic album right now
I cant think straight right now I cant laugh at jokes and my mind makes me revert back to pledge mode where nothing phases me. I want to vomit. I want to hurt myself. I want to break something- I want drive a car 100 miles an hour through a red light and just cause a massive accident and create a scene of carnage.
As an actor these are the real tests....keeping my face straight.....I dont mind letting them know Im only slightly unhappy with what happened.....but a small part of me wants to prove something to them. I feel like Sol right now and I can tell why he left. This place makes no sense. I mean I get that I'm missing something that allowed me to be overlooked here, but dont they realize they need to be helping people get promotions? not letting them stay in their ways and stay in the same jobs forever?
My birthday is in 3 months, and up until now Ive been waiting for the one thing I need to kick my ass and make me get out of this place. this is exactly what I needed.
The last thing I want to do is go back downstairs to my office but I have to go down and show face, Ive been defeated, and this is an opportunity I can learn from and I WILL come out of this ordeal on top. I will win from this. I refuse to let my ambition be hindered by the bullshit of unorthodox establishments. God help me....
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