things will be like this forever if I dont take hold of my life

Goddamn I feel mediocre. I feel basic. I feel like a regular ass nigga in this city. Crazy thing is its like, even if do make it where I want to go, that ill never be on top. Like there will always be someone more richer, smarter faster then me. And Ill always be competing with that person. That's what new york has taught me so far. Ive alway learned how to get scammed and lied too in various ways. From trumps bullshit to giving up a gracious $2475 to a craigslist scammer that was never recoverd, I feel like life is a lie. Like I could lie, like my dad, for the rest of my life and probably get away with it. Or most of it anyway. Like ive been doing but..... Thats not what God wants for my life. FOr a while I struggled to find that resolve....but Im not being nieve about schemeing. Living here Ive learned the difference between scamming and scheming. We're all schemers. From the president, to the bitch that takes out the garbage in my office. I might be the only nigga to notice they dont change bags, ever, they just flip the bins over to empty the bin and without using an extra trash bag. I can tell because food i threw out two ago is still on the inside lip of the bin, and the scent of pasta wafted into my nostrils the moment I sat down. Im talking about scamming. Completely ripping a nigga off with out any disregard for where that leaves them. I might be left with a clean trash can but at least its empty and I can use it for what its made for, although I may be dissatisfied with the overall state of it. This nigga straight up mailed me a fake check, and I deposited it. and then wired him money from my REAL account like a moron. Never heard from him agian. After a few nasty messages I realized that was probably one of the saddest moments in my life. Makes me want to cry at this very moment but what Ill tell you, YOU is that you make it out. And you didnt think you would. You under estimated yourself at every turn but I know I found a way to make back the money I lost and then some. Makes me feel like jumping in front of a train. And after watching 30 minutes worth of train vs humans videos I realized that I wouldn't be killed instantly. I cant get a gun and fuck knives or pills. Like jumping in front of a train left a lot of people mangled, dead or alive but basically all twisted up in a painful way and I know that pain would be immense. Fuck my family I just want them to elevate themselves so bad. I just want them to get out of thier own ways.....thats really all I want from them niggas....I feel like I dont even know them sometimes because I was never open with them. I was never upfront, I always felt like I was trying to hide something my entire life. And thats because I did...... Im getting sick of cheating on my girlfriend. And I feel that somehow, my life goals will be achieved if I can figure out a way to stop cheating on my gf. Im down to two ugly, fat hippo slob side hoes. Ive been texting using the word "heauxs" recently but these lot arent worthy of fancy nicknames. And then theres J.....M still comes around but not since before christmas I think. Ive had 3 outbreaks since ive moved here. hooray. My car is currently in the shop because I was jumping the goddamn thing every single fucking week just to move it to the alternate side. Since about a lil after february. fucking annoying. and my apartment has my spare rims in there and then theres this other bitch. God, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? PLEASE make me stop thinking about women. PLEASE I BEG OF YOU LIFT THIS FAMILY CURSE THAT I BRING YOU GLORY with my life and hopefully, my successes. Im trying to write a little stand up comedy these days. Been spending a fraction of my free time putting songs together and its really a hard process. I think I got a few straight verses in me tho. Im just tired of living my life right now. I want to make it better. I dont know how. I think I know, and I think all of us think we know to make our lives better but we dont because we're there and our parents and friends and the school and google can only tell you so much. So you go out and wing it....and you ladn on your feet. Im going to Pray. I am going to put work in and own this monolgue so I can get auditons. I am going to do one stand up open mic for 5 minutes. I am going to get cast in one more project this year. I plan on writing a project this year, in my free time. What am I going to do about this weed now....I smoke a lot of weed now....like a im hgih every night. Im worried about myself, and Ive been doing shrooms from time to time. Im not sue if I should be ashamed, but I know one thing: I plan on improving one thing about myself every single day. for the rest of the year. I dont like to shower. SOmetimes I force myself to go to the gym and work out just to force myself to take a shower. I dusgust myself. But one thing I wont do is waste anymore FUCKING TIME being a mediocre nigga. Theres too many out here. I want be unique and stand out every single FUCKING PLACE I GO. No more bullshit distractions, I NEED TO HURRY UP AND GET WHERE IM GOING. Or youll be here forever. RIght here. In the hood. in a shitty little mismatch bedroom. always 45 minutes late for everything. Im going to work out for a few and take a shower right now.