I cant remember a time where shit was like this .

Bodies lay in my wake and Im still on a path that continuers towards destruction. As I cruise through this city I think about my contacts and how few there are, but I also never forget each and every single woman I had, and how the bridge was burned but the gap was just a short leap away. M,N, S, J, and M again. Forgive me for anyone Im missing. I start work in 20 minutes and I have to be conscience of what I writing at this break room computer.

Its just crazy because I would have never predicted this for myself, and as much as Id like to say Id fucked up all those relationships......I didnt. I knew what was going where, and gave it that much effort if not a bit more just to see if I had underestimated my partner. I exceeded expectations in some areas and totally surprised them in others. I wasnt perfect but I certainly was a refresher for most.

But instead of thinking of them as failures Im beginning to notice that I a part of me turns into them. (the smarts ones I mean) I notice things about thier personality that I like or that make absolute sense and it wont leave me. Ive almost assimilated myself in one small way or another to something about the women Ive dated (i guess you could call it). Its been almost 2 years out the Big Game, and Im about to start playing for keeps.

Am I ready tho?

last post continued

wow i just found these in my notes from my old Iphone ---what af ucking tool I was to actually give that shit a chance in hell.

Oh well all i know is my test was complete. now i just got to find that balance.

look at this shit i found in my notes from 295 days ago:

WHAT was wrong

I was almost too positive, and she was a negative person. So instead of progressing like we both wanted to we basically justcanceled each other out instead of actually going somewhere.

It's a lose lose situation dating you because, your depressed all the time and you use other people and things to mask that factthat your unhappy with yourself; your an even better actor than I am because you say your fine and dandy but I can see it I'n your eyes that something big is missing and your afraid to change everything about you and find out what it is.

You subscribe to temporary enjoyment and fulfillment but as soon as that's gone you realized your still not all yay happy. You should change your outlook on life to being more overall greatfall.

You were raised with any other morals and standards other than ACTING like a woman, but if you stopped and thought about it the things you don't do at all will make you a true woman. Humility maturity and compassion are just 3 traits real women have that you need to work on having all the time. The number thing you are missing to get through a successful relationship is Forgiveness.

Reciprocation was never something that was enforced. If everytime you made a demand like "I s want to go out Yo eat once a week" a
Similiar demand should hVe been from you because you never understood for a second what it was like to be me I'n the relationship

i cant even read all that shit right now my guitar is calling but I do know i was a stupid dumb fuck for sticking with that bitch and hoping something good was gonna come out of it

from 332 days ago

I wrote this on Feb 25, 2011

The snow is falling out here,
But my eyes wont.
I swear I love you my dear,
But the lies don't...
It's 8:30 in the morn
I can't fall back asleep,
There's love in her eyes still;
But I'm just tryna bone.
You need the EX treatment,
Uh maybe next weekend...
But When ya man find out he ll be kinda heated....
Your friends give me that look-
It's called "the other eye'
I Sware you pullin a juke;
Cuz I'm the other guy.
But that bootys callin me and I can't keep it waiting;
But for now I keep it cool still smilin and fakin...
But she only touch my dick; you really touch my soul
you got soft hands but your fingers are cold- hotdamn I let close, bitch get out my head, but shit I can't ignore, there's a blizzard outside 'n my hearts at war.
It's funny how so close can seem so far....
So far
So far

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this while I was laying in bed with my ex's sorority house longgg after we had broken up but I still couldnt let go and we had slept together that night before. I had my car then and it was damn near stuck in the snow back up at my old college.....crazy cuz i let these dumb fucks girls get in my way of really being something REAL

still aint fuckin with the police

Shits changed. this was only supposed to get me through college. Getting through real life is far more difficult. I remember sitting in the library writing to this thing, and I thought it was a little stupid, but now I know this was my release. The dumb shit i was associated with, (that I brought on myself) came to light as I wrote about it and became of aware of the bullshit I had got myself into. Part of it was becasue I have more hope for people then intelligence and dont know how to give a straight up, firm, assertive NO.

This have changed.

I just broke shit off with B, some 19 yr rehabbed hoe who was showed some promise. Didnt realize she really wasnt doing much for me, but try to clean all the time and do my laundry but then I realized that got pretty annoying. and she STILL didnt know how to cook. ...getting sick of this shit. ----you know I just got a spot of my own finally, about six months ago and i have been getting MORE than enough experience at my stove cooking food, and I have lot more to learn as well. ----but yea she cleaned a bit and taught me how to early for travel situations (cause she had travel anxiety and had to be at the fuckin greyhoud station 2 hours before catching the fucking fung wah bus to nyc). but other than that it was prolly a bad idea. I messed with her and thought she was just a great person and all the stupid hoes in my city couldnt even compete with a mere 19 yr old from NJ with a fat ass. So i stuck with for a little while. Unfortunately the other one I was messing with couldnt hack the news, and went all stalkerish on me and wrote the girl I actually gave a shit about an email and now I lost her.

Fuck it. and I mean that becasue I actually had a good fear that that relationship was a bit forced (partly becasue of her emotions and sudden attachment to me) and becasue i really thought she would get over her bitchy pride problems. Nonetheless she was a better call than L just for the simple fact that she know how to articulte her appreciation. I think I just got too excited there was a good girl who met my standard as far as looks went and wasnt a utter total complete bitch to me.

well that was nice while it lasted.....she definitely spent a decent amount of energy in telling me what I was good at and got my confidence back to where it shouldve been the whole time.

IN OTHER NEWS....

I work for Apple, Inc in a retail store. Hope that means

a something later, cause right now, all it means is a free buss pass. I dont care who says what about, reatil is fucking RETAIL. but fuck, im working with the lesser of a SHITLOAD of evils, so I better be on time for work tomorrow.

Speaking of....I ahve a second round interview for a company to do some IT shit and reallllly hope I get it becasue this job would allow me to keep apple as a part time gig and Id be apple to quit my night job as a valet. Even though I love it becasue I get to do what I love most, it may have to go for good. IM home now, just finished watching the Pats make it into the superbowl, but I normally wouldve missed this game working out on the corner parking cars and its fucking 25 degrees out.

My grind will never change, my steez however,, is getting more mature. and smarter. Shit used to work the way my father played shit, only cause thats all I knew UNTIL I moved in with these guys, and I learned that honesty was the name of the game. My frat brothers made being a playa the thing to be. and it is, but there is a certain way to go about it. Im 24 yrs old and Im not about to be tamed by any chics, but I need to tell these hoes that theyre not the only one. if they dont like it, peace. if they do, its a buffet table of dick for them and everything is on and poppin