my life is even more a shit show

Fucking amazing.

who getsfired from fuckin roxbury community college? Me. the bitch I worked for couldnt even speak good english but from all my PSG rep remembers is her saying 'more customer service" which means to i wasnt kising enough asshole to get by in that place. Im come to the conclusion that Im just not a professioanl dude. The fact of the matter was I could fixed every computer problem under the sun but at the end of the day my attitude lost me my job.

I WASNT EVEN THAT BAD THOUGH, THAT DICKHEAD MARK LAWRENCE GOT ME FIRED. SUPPOSEDLY I HAD FORGOTTEN DO OTHER THINGS ON OTHER JOBS BUT THAT DICK HEAD MARK LAWREWNCE SENT AN EMAIL THE BROKE THE FUCKING CAMELS BACK. and just like that without any sort of warning on afriday at 7pm right after going grocery shopping and buy a bottle of my now favorite drink (jack daniels Tennessee honey) to tell me that those assholes will no longer be rquireing my services for some odd strange fucking reason....fucking cunts regret it i know they do.....

fucking starving.....just came from the gym....at rcc....

there are a lot of crazy people in this world. I slowly finding out that I am one of them. Not a seriously crazy poerson becasue cops arent involved or anything but a mild to moderate crazy person. one that fucks up jobs and burns bridges then dreams of slashing peoples tires and thretening to hurt them if I ever were to see them in the streets around my neighborhood.

I CANT EVEN FUCKING THINK STRAIGHT

but i know its not normal for me to want to plan out some elaborate scheme to ruin the lives of my previous supervisors. and this last laptop job from there was supposed to make me some money but a crazy fuckin baboon african porch monkey bitch went in thier and told some bullshit on me just cuz shes ESL and got me into an even deeper hole....FUCK a reference letter THIS PRICKS ARE DEAD TO ME.

i cant stop thinking of what I would do to Patrick Jean louis if I ever saw him....I definitely almost paid a homeless man to go and slash his tires and my immediate boss, Maryam Mirza, she can fuck a goat, Muslim submissive ass bitch go spread your brainwashed horse shit else I dont have time for people who graduted from University of Online doo doo oon a stick Pheonix. Ill wipe my dogs ass with your degrees you political TOOL.

I cant even tell whats reality anymore, I want to go into that office and shoot everyone in the chest, not the head, so they all die slow and so they can watch me enjoy thier deaths, but I know thats wrong.

I wanted to tell my co worker the real truth but the fact of the matter is hes a little tooly too cuz he submits all the time. Im actually A LOT more rebellious then I wouldve ever believed I am. theres more than one way to scalp an injun right?

pudgy little haitin fucktards annoy me and I wish each and every single little one on would drop dead but a slow death where I can watch thier pain and they can watch me enjoy watching them and think "this was the wrong person to fuck with"

My brain is so fuckin racked by anger.................. i would fucking hurt a child

i dont know how ill progress out of this....having a hard time thinking straight...i jusy want to tell everyone whats going on with me just so I can hear thier opinion buyt when I actually do I realized I didnt want to in the first place.... thats why I write here. Just to get it out. its driving me literally insane. i have to seem as though Im maintaining my composure on the outside...to my roomates...make it seem like I have a plan...like I know what Im doing.

Im acting like life is over after this job tho and it really isnt. I need to give myself a few encouraging words to not nbe so down in the fucking cow manure about this, but the real fact of the mater is I am a qualified worker i went to good school and I know what Im doing. I fix shit and WELL. but rihgt now finding a job is hard. but theres one thing Im good at and its saying FUCK IT and keep on walking. as hard as it is up to that poiint, I love to walk away form things becasue my life was boring working a fucking community college. i wasnt proud of my job, except to the students that went there and I certainly wasnt very challeneged there at all. I asked the staffing agency to find me a new place to work but it will be at least 3 months before they find me a new place to work.

you see im also second guessing myself as aperson. I cant figure if the rest of my fail im failing at, like these relationships I have with these females, or the little shits I have toi take care of but I fuck up every now and then like these bills and THESE GODDAMN PARKING AND SPEEDING TICKETS that will probably haunt me til my student loans are paid off. which will be never unless I make some HUGE MONEY somehow someway....

im a lot less cared about why i lost the job versus what am i gonna do for funds now. Ive been working valet and making decent pocket change but the last two days straight they havent had any shifts open for me at all and that scares me. with a little under a thousand in my account and a little over a thousand in savings its pretty safe to say im royally screwed.

im gonna go apply for unemployment right now

peace yo

pray for me, that I only get better from here

Bri's smile is the only ray of sunshine i look forward to dealing with on a day like this

more on this later - but this shit feels REAL

. Thoughts of contentment and shame, dreams and nightmares, lust and the socially taboo……….

I’ve landed on this new planet, and it had felt like I had been here before, like to visit but now I’m here to stay in this world of new responsibility adult reality and its more like an alternate dimension, because it feels like a vast void with nowhere to go just ghosts around you and infinite space and endless possibilities in front of you behind you above you and below you, and your surrounded by ideas and places and things and you don’t know what direction you want to go in but you know your filled with energy and the a excitement……….and hopelessly drifting out in space I see a star………………………

And was greeted by a warm face, radiant smile and shining personality. Was I dreaming? No , just indulging myself and when all these questions came about inside me asking all these “what ifs” one answer echoed inside my skull “just go with it” because something good is already happening….

And so now here I sit 2 months, 1 week, 5 days later, we’re moving towards what I think could be lo-…..

I cant say it. I don’t want to scare it away, its like a squirrel

And even though we’ve avoided the talks about potentially loving extreme liking each other, ive imagined a future US…..but I cant say that yet, I WONT say it yet.

But like Casey Anthony I’m guilty of it but you just couldn’t prove it in a court but all the signs are there

But I cant think about I just take everyday with you as it comes, I just know this is real because Ive had women and relationships and I’ve only had this feeling once before, and I’m determined to hold on to this one.

Its just that while I’m sitting eating with Ms. Whats-her-face I’m wishing so fiercely that it was YOU across from me and I then wouldn’t be avoiding a convo about what I’m doing afterwards or about where I want to be for the rest of my life. With you around I think I know the answer…….

….yea but that’s only in a perfect world. Wherever that universe is it ain’t here and I know I’m getting ahead of myself, I know, but I cant help but think, and can you blame me?

I never thought I could find such a beautiful mixture, both outside and in, of characteristics and looks that I would mind passing on to my children. I just hope all goes well. And I know hope ain’t much but life is meaningless without it……………………………..

I crossed a line and didn’t look back and now I wonder why I didn’t come to this side sooner…….I’m never going back. Win or lose.