All I wanted was that fucking promotion. Ive been making connections and relationships, learning from other people around the office things to show growth and it s not even worht the neergy of typing its all a fucking shit show. Im shaking. I wanted to cry for a second fo rbutthen I realized that this place is not worth the emotional response I want to give right now. I had just now gotten back to my cube from the gym and was starving, but I ve completely lost my appetite. What pains me the most is that this kid and I really tried to have a good relationship and be upfront with each other and after it all, after all the bullshit we've witnessed and talked about together, and for christs sake I even smoked with the kid about 10 or 20 times, I almost thanked God for the connection we had and took it more serious then just a guy I worked with I treated him like a team member, of just ME and HIM.
This Nas track is the only reason Im stoned faced right now. I stared at my computer until it went blank and he actually caught me for a second frozen in that but it done and its over and i am so fucking embarassed. Let m ejust be this real with you: I could cold blodded murder this man right now. I could look deep into his eyes as his soul falls from his body down deep, into the abyss of hell. I coul dwatch his entire family burn on stakes like withces did in the midevil times. I keep trying to put this place in perspective, I keep trying to tell myself that this is all temporary and it doesnt mean anything but the largerst quiestion of my career at this place reamians: what does Will, Steve, Jake, Gyodi and all the other little faggots that have been promoted in here have in common that I dont have? These little shit eating cunts are all fake, dont have any real substance to them and I cant seem to feel like anyone deserved anything like this. The second most painful thing about this entire situation is that I feel like I just go tfired. I mine as well have. I feel like Im a JD, an Ian or a Remy, or maybe even a Darby. I feel just as worthless as them.
The pain I feel I want to inflict on everyone in this building right now; I want to bring a gun to work and just kill everyone who works on the same floor as me. I want to watch them all perish, so very very slowly. And in 2014 people can get arrested for saying shit liek this but nothing will happen to me because Im not gonna do shit because Im a pussy. Im not going to say anything about this to anyone, and I even congratualted the dude as soon as I read the email, printed it out and put it above my desk. I need to be insulted liek this every day. I need have my face spat in eveyday. I need to see this
Thats the 3rd chill that just ran down my spine just now.....
Holy shit I don't think Ive ever felt such pain like this before.....it hurts in my soul, and when I think about I immediately know that this feel will never go away. I still shaking but since Im typing so fast the people in the lounge around me cant even tell.
FUck proofreading this shit...my shoulder fucking hurts because I probably worked out wrong, I'm literally falling apart at the seams right now and the only thing keeping me together as a human being is this stillmatic album right now
I cant think straight right now I cant laugh at jokes and my mind makes me revert back to pledge mode where nothing phases me. I want to vomit. I want to hurt myself. I want to break something- I want drive a car 100 miles an hour through a red light and just cause a massive accident and create a scene of carnage.
As an actor these are the real tests....keeping my face straight.....I dont mind letting them know Im only slightly unhappy with what happened.....but a small part of me wants to prove something to them. I feel like Sol right now and I can tell why he left. This place makes no sense. I mean I get that I'm missing something that allowed me to be overlooked here, but dont they realize they need to be helping people get promotions? not letting them stay in their ways and stay in the same jobs forever?
My birthday is in 3 months, and up until now Ive been waiting for the one thing I need to kick my ass and make me get out of this place. this is exactly what I needed.
The last thing I want to do is go back downstairs to my office but I have to go down and show face, Ive been defeated, and this is an opportunity I can learn from and I WILL come out of this ordeal on top. I will win from this. I refuse to let my ambition be hindered by the bullshit of unorthodox establishments. God help me....
