A 30 yr old's life crisis

Ill be 30 in a month and 2 days. I know fuck me right for counting. Currently finishing a joint.... watching Iron Fist and it sucks so far but its the second time Im watching it. I hate spending more then one day out of my own bed. I went fucking apeshit on my girlfriend today. She says Im selfish. I broke her. I also slammed the door yelled some shit about "move to Europe or whatever" and the light shade on the hallway lamp. shattered glass went every where and my girlfriend was barefoot at the moment. It was a scene. I realized at that moment that I was having a 30 year life crisis. This is the first year I put money down on a NCAA bracket. Nova just took the loss I predicted. Prolly wont win it tho. Goddamn I cannot believe I did that today. We like got into a shoving match over the broom....she said I was scaring her and Ive never heard anyone say that to me before...... I told her I could get more evil then she had ever seen. I made her cry again. Ive lost track of how many times I made her cry. I really hate the sound of girls cryign. They amount times ive heard it is countless and it honestly hurts me in a place so deep I cant even talk about it.....and when I here Natalia cry, its like tapping on my scrotum walls with an ice pick from the inside out, over and over again. Ive always wanted to be everyones hero, espcieally the bitches hero but I just ended being the villan for the one bitch I ever truly deeply loved. And this is like the 3rd time I hurt her. Im afraid of myself a little bit and Ive never said that out loud even. I shot a shitty web series episode today. in brooklyn. Its my first gig in nyc I think. Im not getting paid though. Ive been here 13 months now and it took me this long to book an unpaid gig. Im pretty ashamed of that fact. I dont even think Ill ever amount to anything but I have to follow this dream. I have to do this. Its the only thing I know I truly want to do. I love natalia, and I know for a fact I want her to have my children. She would be such a good mother to anyones kids not just our own. and I know she would try her hardest to stay beautiful whiles shes at it. I think ill fight for her to stick around. Feels like its done but ocne I get through this emo phsase and get a fuckin psychiatrist ill be fine. But I sweare to god Im gonna have to start smoking more weed if I have to shut my mouth more. I reaelly flew off the handle this morning though....I should also mention that I had to soak my penis in hydrogen peroxide today because of an alleged yeast infection? dont ask dont tell but fuck man this shit needs to stop happening.... I feel like God is trying to tell me something..... this is all bullshit and i need to stop caring and play some fucking fifa