Second letter to God

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm supposed to be though

I prayed for strength and somehow it seems like this is the only I get it...by messing things up so bad it seems I'll almost never come back

Most people learn after their first or second mistake

But somehow I'm wired to almost never learn unless it's a do or die situation. Why have you wired me this way?

I know it makes for a good story but God please help me stop embarrassing myself everywhere I go...

Why do feel so out of place at work? If I wasn't meant to be an actor and tell people stories where do you want me to be?
Thank you for blessing me with all the things you blessed me with. Please open my heart and my mind to the direction you want me to go in lord. Please. I commit my future to you and I just want to glorify you and be happy.

I'm starving, and I feel like I'm not gonna make it out of this mess....God how did I ever let things get so bad

Letter to God

Hey God,

First and foremost I'd want to say praise be to you for all that I have. I couldn't be here with out and I think about everything you've blessed me with everyday. Thank you, and glory be to you for everything down to my 2 legs to get me everywhere, my brain which gets me the the things I need, and for this Lil bit of money you've blessed me with. Praise be to you.

I'm starving.  I haven't eaten a thing since last night at 10 pm. I had shitty costco orange chicken and white rice and somehow ruined it with soy sauce.

At any rate, I'm fasting. As a man of God amongst mountains of turmoil I need to do something like fast in order to really tune in to what God's plan is for my life and really align with it. Now that I have awoken I need to stay on the right path otherwise my efforts will be as fruitless as a lifetime of being a mailman. I won't amount to shit. In ANY feild. If you're out there listening which I know you are please tell me if you want me to stay. I need to know what you want me to do. And in doing so I promise to clean up my act. I promise. Not only am I running out of time but at the crucial crossroads of being cursed forever or walking in your graces for the remainder of whatever it is you want me to live. Either way I'll listen and I'm ready for consequences. I fully commit to being your son and worshipping and praising your name as long as I live I just need to know what city you want me to do it in. I'm sorry I didn't ask you sooner before I told half the planet.....

I'm not trying to defy you, I just want to reach my true potential. I see these people out here....and I know they love me for me.....I love them all and I pray and ask for your guidance in their lives but I want to pour into someone or something. I don't feel like I've ever immersed myself in anything since I pledged and you help me complete that. Thank you for that, it was an overall good place to be in and learn from. I feel like I could tell more people about you in the acting feild. I feel like I could influence people to be good natured and mild mannered. I see that people are sometimes focused on the wrong things in life and I just want to make everyone happy. I know I can't do that.....but would you let me at least try God?

I trust you. I'm exhausted right now. But I trust you. With all my heart and soul. I don't care about the money, it will only bring me temporary happiness. I know that. Truth us I don't even want a lot of money. I'm just happy telling stories and teaching people things. I want to make my story stronger but for now I'll leave the story telling up to you. I will put my faith in you and let you guide me. Just please let me go away from this place. My head needs the struggle right now. I need to be pushed....

She text me saying I'm a beautiful man with a big heart. I just want everyone around me to be beautiful in their own way, and just exist at their fullest potential.

I think about my dad sometimes and how you place where he is in his life. I think you wanted me to learn from his mistakes. I need to leave all these women alone. (These women need to leave me alone) but it's my fault. I made this bed....

I'm sorry I let things get out of hand....but with you I know they'll never be out of control.....

I know I'll succeed either it's just a matter of succeeding with your plan or just being some other successful person without a purpose or aim or special focus

My art

How come I never talk about my art on here

Maybe because there aren't enough words in the ethos for how I feel about but I still don't really have like a mission statement for it yet

This bitch had a good verse but wait til sees  what my career is about to be like...

It's time to start showing the real me to the world

-------------

9/11 rest in peace and one love those  affected....

One thing bitches don't get about is I take  things and influences from positive figures in the world around me, and channel that into my daily life. Like when kendrick says "we gon be awwwright" I'm taking that into my every day arsenal, and I use it to fight negativity and it fuels my uprising against the doubts of those who believe I will never achieve....

When I hear "when shit hits the fan is you still a fan" I learn a lesson about not giving up and not using the power of resentment...but rather using the struggle I been through to push me to go harder and get higher....

I truly believe there is one woman out there that is my ride or die....that truly is behind me and won't demonstrate doubt and contempt....but enough about the hoes....

"Do you believe in me? Is your heart deceiving me?"

What do you hear when you listen to Kendrick?

I don't have this whole thing planned out but I do know that I want to be someone the world takes from and fuels them to have a better day better life better MIND

....next stop is mine, peace

The rise and fall of the rotational thot

Nothing hurts a real pimp like losing some solid heauxs. I lost the whole rotation in a day and they sun aint even fully down yet...

I dont know if you can tell but Ive been avoiding you. Ive been slowly but surely revealing the true me to this world and as weird as it feels, it feels right. Ill be over some hoes in like 48 hrs  but my ability to be me I will and can never lose. I lost em cuz I dont love em. I dont love em cuz  they dont do shit for me. Like my life has not really trully actually ever been changed by the small soul capacity of a side hoe. Now mind you, Im high as fuck right now but all i want to say was I wont miss any of them hoes....except for one. N makes me fel in a place I think just created itself to exist just for her. Like I cant explain how she makes me feel but fuck it Im getting derailed right now.

Im trying to leave my shitty hometown. Im trying program or plan a move. I going to new york city. and partially because I want to be closer to this girl.....but mainly because I really really need a fucking change of pace. Like SOMETHING. M soul is dying in this city. Now maybe im being dramtiic but its true. I really feel unfullfilled in this place. I want to really use my new found powers outside of the simpletons in this city. I want to reach deeper I know theres something really great and cool deep inside of me. I just need to study more and find out how to unlock it. My only real worry in life just how to harness it. You can harness anything. If you can wrap your brain around the concept of something then you can mitigate and control it. I CAN DO THIS. i know i can. Im sitting here writing to you now DOUBTING THE FUCK out of myself ....goddamnit the fall

the fall of my faith....

9/10

Lost another one last night and I'm holding onto my sanity by the fingertips...

Thousands of people died tomorrow and all I can think about is the loss of my full and successful rotation.

I wish you felt it like I did. I'm not supposed to care....I never was supposed to care about her but i did....

But fuck it tho, it's just another thing to add to the fuel

I sware I'll never amount to nothing but when I do I hope I look back on this and really truly fully realize how little these thots meant to me. As I become more schizophrenic......thots means that hoe ova there and best believe J and A were thotties from jump street. Fuck sex; a nigga finds something he can give a fuck about

When I fuck a bitch I care, but just not too much. I'll change your flat tire and whatnot but the main chick N will always have my heart

I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. And I feel like shit. But truth is I needed her to gracefully bow out of my life in this timely fashion. If I trusted hoes I wouldn't be able to run and gun this weekend like I plan to do. Fucking shit I need a cigarette

Only thing keeping me sane right now is King Mez....goddammit I wish bitches know how bossy and selfish they can be sometimes...but it's not the pain that's most visible on my face it's the anger. The anger I will use to decapitate anyone who stands in my way and keeps me from my goal.  Consider this an ode. I refuse to be kept down by these situations I've ruined and I will make all these bitches realize that they pussy ain't better then me as a person. I am stronger. Not smarter not faster not better, but STRONGER. period.

This is a good position to be in considering the art I do needs focus.
I've never felt so inspired by pain in my life....maybe when I dumped Lani but that was my call and I knew it was a good thing to do. I'm bout to start being proactive about my shit. This reactive life is too low key for me I need to be out there conquering shit, and my time is running out.

I'll pray you future Brandon

I pray that your future holds what your looking for. I pray and ask God that he may teach me the lessons I need to learn to be the man he wants me to be. Whether or not I amount to anything I life I just want to be the man God wills me to be. I pray that I learn these financial lessons a lot faster, I pray that God allows me to be the example to those around me he needs me to be, and I pray that God gives me the the strength to endure what's ahead after this. I feel like I'm going insane slowly but surely but fuck it there's no turning back now....all I can do is go 100

Do or die time....

Now I lay me down to sleep.....

Bitches, white people,and the State of my happiness

I want to start of by saying that my city is probably one of the shittiest places to try to bag a bitch. I' m not gonna make a generalization of all women in this city because my little sister lives here, but I've noticied most of these bitches out mainly top out at a 5.5 -6.5 on the scale, but the act they think theyre 7-9.5's when a nigga wants to actually chill with them, not just fuck like a scumbag. I mean whats so bad about that? Ill take you to a movie, or a few, probably take you to dinner at least twice, one of which will be chinese food by default before I try to fuck you.... then we can see if there's a potential for something to grow and evolve into something else later

I just dont like how serious they take themselves....


Why is it the white people in my job think I'm faking it or putting up a front when I speak like I normally do outside of here? I sware call women bitches and uses words and phrases they don't know and its like, this is me, outside of the establishment, so don't act like you know what I was about before I came in here and put on this front like I was some tame little black boy that you know everything about.... its not like that. Its just not like that. These people don't know the masks I wear to fit in and keep my shitty 50k a year day job....its almost not worth it anymore.

Fuck this shitty polo fleece or whatever the fuck has this shitty schools logo on it where I work. Its a fuckin joke, this service job kissing peoples ass and helping out people who deserve to be hurt and bending over backwards for people who deserve to be left out on the ledge; my job is a joke and I hate it. More then I hate establish I hate the fucking fruitcups I work with. They're all so fuckin sensitive and goddammit its taken me 3 hours to write this shit but I dont give a fuck, I'm gonna finish it.


Im not fuckin happy. but Im not gonna fuckin stop gameplannin this shit until I am. I could kill someone. I could literally commit a murder in cold blood right now. and be happy spending the rest of life in a small space to hang myself in eventually but I refuse to let the live of a simpleton get to me on level so deep I lose sleep over it. This is game my mind is playiong on me and its like pledging all over agin....accept this time crossing will be WAY, WAY fuckin better.

The bitches are ice cold, the job is fuckin trash, and the money never comes it just goes.... who ever you are, sitting in the future reading this.....PLEASE MAKE IT HAPPEN. PLEASE.
\

Im fucking over it.

Ive made up my mind. Im going to pursue acting, full time at some point in my life.

I don't give a fuck what happens. I don't care about the money, I just want to tell stories. FUCK the fame, I just want to be skilled at transforming. Y'all niggas could the popularity and fortune and just let me be and mold and flow from character to character. I want to make you feel like you've been transported into another time, another place, another realm and show you the experience of a lifetime.

I know I can do this. And I just have to show some other people that I can do this too.

I feel like shit everyday under the pressure of meeting some imaginary metrics. I hate being the guy people treat as an invisible man sometimes. I hate being beckoned or summoned or called and then told to do a task then just leave. Shits sucks, its not fuckin fullfilling. The fuckin crazy amount

Im so fuckin crazy htat im only the glance out of the side of your eye....i want to be the focus of your vision, I want to be what people focus on for hours.

I could go on but I chose not to drag this any longer, I just need to prove to the world how gangster I am about workin with




Ya'll niggas mark my words....this shit will come true

vasovagal syncope

I collapsed 3 weeks ago today. No clue why. fuck the shitty emergency rooms 3 hour wait, I bandaged up my knees and my face and went home. The suckiest part about it was that I only .41 miles into my run, and I had to tell everyone I was 4 miles in, going for 5 just so I could retain some dignity. I also didnt wanna feel like a fuckin clown for not even getting anywhere before it happened. Its weird because I saw it coming but this time I couldnt stop it.

Cancun was amazing.  I made mistakes that would make over and over again.......

They promoted a nigga. Not just my but a NIGGA. For a while here there were office rumblings about this place not promoting black people off the helpdesk.....and I only had to beat out 6 other internal candidates for the job.

I pray theres hope for a nigga like me

Man, Joey badA$$ got my mind twisted right now....


I'm high as shit, chillin wit my nigga joe right now, ironically, but

I just had to get a few thing off my chest, because I know the future me will be all set, and things will work out for the better... but I had to just vent right now....

On some real shit, fuck this bitch. Can you believe she has the fucking audacity to mention some other jump off nigga to me right now? Aite cool, Im a side piece, your a side piece, cool whatever. But dont fuckin throw in some bullshit, some-oh-my-otha-side-mans-flyin-me-out-to-ohio shit. Like who gives a fuck???? honestly who gives a flying fuck? and yea I had to put the G on the the end of those....


This was a bitch I exposed MIGUEL to....like i had this bitch finger poppin herself off that niggas songs thinkin about me for a full year yo. and I know cuz she told me, and I felt like that was value to her....from day 1....man fuck this shit I cant even type fast enough for the amount I want to vent...I just said a whole bunch of shit in front of joe that I should have kept to my self, or in my mind....so you get the jist.

Yo I cant even dwell or spend any more emotional energy on that shit...I really am getting too old for this shit and I need to just chill the fuck out and find one female that makes me feel like I can chill with her forever

I got one like that now, Nat, and shes def special but also 400 miles away at any given moment. This makes it hard for me to feel like im tied to her and thus hard to feel like theres any kind of constant relationship

Watch, we'll see, Im gonna prove to that bitch I have status...and then she'll see how im worth more then her little middle aged crisis white off balance guys treat her then....she wont be able to keep her fuckin eyes off me, and if she reaches out I'm gonna have my security cards beat her up in public and watch. and laugh.  SHe doenst know what its like to be and now she see that you cant hurt my feelings ever. I will be better then then coudve ever hope. 

but anyways fuck that noise...i made it past being mad at the white people at work for being white and privledged...and now its almost 3 years Ive been working at this shitty uppity place. People put this instiuion on such a high level and cant for the life of me figure

9/10/2015 update

She flew out to see beanie wells and his shitty little mediocre company. ..and the shit didn't even work out and she still text a nigga like she misses me. I have a real place in her heart and she could've just been a body...that I got wayyy too attached to