what the fuck does depression feel like

Ive been trying really, really fucking hard not to document this. THis chain of events...these feelings these mindsets I assume. Living in nyc has made me bottle up and release at the worst times. I think Ive come froma place where I had the ability to release at different times, or even give off a smart release, where the results are favorable....the results are never favorable anymore. I cant tell you why and when exactly Ill rage on someone...but mostly Ive been taking my anger out on my old girlfriend. It pings my heart to even say that because I got caught cheating over 10 times. I wouldve struck out 3x with any other girl. Ive also built this complex of lies where I was unable to keep her from finding out because there was jus ttoo many open points of exposure to this girlfriend. I told her so much about me...about my past that I felt safe with her. even when I started doing the things I normally did with other girlfriends. like lie and see other women. She found my weakness. Thats anpother subject but she found my weakness and its her. Without her I feel like I am dying slowly. Ive watched her cry so many times....and I was the cause of it.....she says she doesnt hate me but I dont believe her.... There has to be some hate in there....no one could love me that much...thinking out if makes me want to cry a little bit.... I had a few crying spells since Ive bene here... the last one I had was in the stock room at work at Rockefeller and I had to run back in the room to try and keep people from seeing my tears. I feel like Im too big to cry. I feel like Im too pussy about certain things. I hate being alone. I HATE being alone at home. I hate smoking alone. I hate watching movies alone. I hate drinking coffee alone sometimes. I wish I could have tea with just someone...anyone...and just a conversation about how I can help myself. Ive submitted to the self help era. I think im failing so many things...I started listening to audio books with self help topics (really only 2 books) and I havent finished them yet. The first book I started listening to was called the code of the extraordinary mind. I shouldve finished it by now but its taken me about 2 or 3 months so far to get about half way through. The other book I started and now im on chapter 6 which is certainly halfway through. I think ill finsh one of these books by the end of the week. I may just sit down and take notes on them for an hour. One hour of mono logue and one hour of just audio book. I need to work on leaving more of an impact on this world then getting pussy. I just hunt and hunt and hunt for pussy non stop now that I have no girlfriend...and I cant stop but I want to. I think I had a revelation one time that when girls give me thier pussy its how I know I am still good, and worth something. WHen girls arent throwing themselves at me I feel less important. I know this is flawed thinking. Totally a hundred percent flawed. I think Im going to focus more on this over the course of the next few days. I wanted to stop smoking until my birthday. i am going to denver with some fuckin chick I cant stand. I really honestly cant stand her for more than a few hours and I got a whole 3 day trip with her. Over the last year or so ive developed a complex where I think white women just collect black guys like trophies and trivialize us and tokenize us. Im not sure where I got this ideal from, other than the fact that all these black men like me getting shot by white police officers, I realized I understand that THEY dont understand US and some of them don't even want to understand us. And I dont bring it up with any of my white friends because I think Ill make them uncomfortable and they wont be honest with me. I fuckin hate my mind for liking pussy so much. Im at work right now. Tyring not get fired. Feeling obsolete becasue Im not trained for more or a promotion and the company just got bought out and they only helping the HAVES not HAVE NOTS in here....also hiring people from some sort of hedge fund and theyre stiff people with asshole faces and coffee breath. How my relationship with God? Bad. I think that because I dont pray that much anymore. Havent been to church in a while either. I moved from the bronx to brooklyn and havent found a church there yet...but I need to be able to just pray and connect with my family more often. I feel like I have no one to reach out to in my family thats successful enough....if they are I dont think theyre exactly approachable. I have a small ray of hope connect with wyatt. my moms husband. Hes pretty new, about 2 years in...and was married before. I think a divorce needs to happen to some people to help them realize they were very very assholy. AS it stands right now I think I wouldve gotten divorced from by now. I tweeted some shitty shit about the ex I loved and had to retract it. That felt pretty bad. It also felt bad cheating on her but it almost in my mind was like eating while she was asleep; in my mind it satisfies a appetite and it doenst disturb her. Until she finds out....I am so fucking sorry I did that. Ive thought this a million times but there is no word for how fucking bad I feel...even though I know its after the fact. I've having moments where I can se into the future a bit now and see how bad things can get if I go through with the decision to lie/cheat. I just dont know why men everywhere are having this problem...where we mistreat women and try to lie to them like theyre not smart and cna find out things. In a way cheating is form of misogyny. I find that when I tell most of my niggas that I cheated they kind of shrug thier shoulders...or some are like yea "not me". Ive found a common mentality where the man thinks that if his woman is happy and shit that they are "allowed" to cheat sometimes, as long as she doesnt find out. But like, they go looking for stuff to "find out" on a regular basis. My fucking GOOGLE LOCATION HISTORY??!?!?!? Part of me thinks this relationship has to be over because of things like that and its effect on my mind....I have like a micro agressions about that shit...like why the fuck would you do that...and Im sure she has lots and lots of micro aggressions about me that we need to write down and just address. and hopefully put to rest. I dont want anyone else. I dont want to fall in love with anyone else. I do because its fun but nah this girl loved me. and he was with me since she was 22 and is now 27. I cant think of a worse time to leave someone... I need to be left. I need someone to dump me. I think i need meds for this stuff. I have an appointment with a therapist this week. Ive been pretty excited to see this guy and maybe hell tell me how to solve this riddle. How to be a full man without the inhibition to hunt things like jobs money or women? Its in our DNA we are wired to hunt things...and when we get comfortable and dont hunt I think we lose touch with crucial traits...like being brave enough to talk to someone you need something from. or the ability to assert yourself over a situation thats wrong i dont know...I just feel like a little generally neutralized as a man in a relationship. Part of our power sort of comes from having this alpha male instinct.... I think one real key ill have to apply is taking people more seriously. Right now I think I only take myself as serious as I need to and no one else. This life of pablo album and 4 44 album have so many themes in it I wonder how my favorite rappers dealt with shit like this....goddamn Ill be 31 this friday without a prayer for a "good" future....God help me before I self destruct. I honestly think suicide is posisble for me I just dont want to do it right now....lets see how this next week plays out....