Year 3 Week 11 Day 1

My mom never came.
Today is the last day I have to use this blog. I was actually supposed to turn it in a bit earlier, but I've been hesitant as to whether or not I want the entire world to know everything I've been writing about. I've have been studying with friends, and when they asked me what I'm working on they say they want to see it. For the most they've been girls, and I don't think I could show this to any girls I've been with. My maybe I'll show it to my best friend over seas studying abroad, but thats it.
I just finished eating with the brothers and while eating I was evaluating just everything. I saw C again, and the look in her eyes were that of a person I had met for the first time today. She liked what she saw and wanted to know more. But I'm done with that ho. A girl from my past relationships called and came up to visit from NJ, but the same complications arose and we weren't really able to see each other for long. I've known her for three years and we've had a really close and somewhat intimate relationship. She's also the biggest scheming snake of a female I've ever met in my entire life and now the thought of her makes me mentally ill. She can't seem to choose between the man she's with and the man she wants to be with, who both have problems with each other so she can only see one at a time per visit. But I've put the cap on the relationship, and called it quits and I'm just waiting until she realizes it. Her name is A by the way, just so know. But just as quickly as you learned it, you should discard her and her story with me immediately, because that's what I should've done the moment I met her.
People like that never completely get along with real people like me.
On a more positive note, I went over the new J's house last night and slept until about 12pm today. I have say, that I feel most comfortable around her, and that I would consider a relationship with her, but she has a problem with the fact that I'm just a really popular person and she's more low key considering she's an upper upperclassmen. I don't really know where thats headed though, because if she can't get over that, that we'll never have a decent relationship. Its not really a big deal anyway because all in all, I'm just like my bro Alfonso said, I just meet girls and fall in love and as soon as something happens i meet someone else and fall in love with them and forget about the last one. I'm a resilient guy like that, I bounce back pretty easy.
For the most, I cant complain about my situation now and even before, because there are plenty of girls out there, and I've had my fair share of buns (and then some). There are guys who wake up everyday and wonder what they're doing wrong and what they could do to get with someone, but I simply don't have that problem. I just gotta choose the best one for me.
You might get me to check back in here, and see if I have any comments on my posts or maybe even throw up another entry, but now this is it. I hope you enjoyed reading thus far, and let me know how you feel about any of the posts I've put or let me know f you have any advice on any subject at all that I've posted.
It'll take a while, but I think I'm gonna miss writing in my blog...

Year 3 Week 10 Day 4

This weekend is parents weekend. My mom is coming to visit tomorrow. Again. I cant wait until she leaves.
So I once again, I'm doing this assignment at work. And I haven't told you where I work for a reason.
I'm going to try to cut down all other distractions while I tell you about my day. My away message on AIM has been "Play, or get played.", all week.

I proceed to go to my assigned spot for work and I'm walking through the building, I spot C. The old one, who I told you played me. It no longer pains me to see her face, as I can legitimately say that I'm about 85% over it. I do feel a light feather of a wrap on my heart, but nothing heavy like before. I'm way too sensitive. I know it, so its ok to tell me that I'm a little girl for catching feelings for someone I was hooking up with and studying with. I just got the sudden urge to stop glorifying her by writing about her.
I just got my PSP back, and I have a great urge inside of me to play, but somehow I fell like writing my feels down will help me more in the long run. I must say though, as immature as it sounds, the video games I play on a regular basis help me to mentally escape from the drama and the overload of emotions I have when bullshit goes down, so as far as I'm concerned playing is healthy for me. I would be crazy without them. I feel like I get let down so much by the people around me, especially the females. And don't get me wrong, its not because they do what I want them to do its because they haven't been honest with me or they haven't been avoiding me or probably because they've been the time of day to really chat with me and get to know me better because I know I'm a good guy, and for the most anyone who has at least one conversation with me get to like me, and the always come back for more.
But alas, tonight is Thursday and I should be getting ready to relax for the weekend right? Wrong. I missed a test today. I just bought a new alarm clock and clearly must not have set the alarm properly. Or maybe I should've paid more that $15 dollars for a more quality household appliance. On top of that, my cell phone has been acting up and now it won't even turn on, So I couldn't even set the alarm on it. So I woke up this morning about half hour into my test and my phone was still inoperable so I flipped out and went out. But aside from that, my day was fine.

This sucks, but an Instant messaging window just popped up and its another female that I met in NYC, and I think we would've been in a relationship right now, if it wasn't for the distance. Communication with her has also been pretty shotty as well. The funny part is, she wants to know whats up with my away message.

Year 3 Week 10 Day 2

Today is Tuesday. I just got to work a short while ago after sitting down to eat with two new friends I've made named L and Ca. I gave the first two letters just so you would know its a different C.
I might have forgot to mention that this weekend I had a run in with a certain Miss V belonging to someone that I'm not entirely familiar with.
Forget that I even mention a female named Ca, because I'm not interested. L is certainly a very interesting human being. Being in her first year her, it shouldn't be a problem progressing things along this weekend or any other time. During the meal though, my new J walked in and gave me a very friendly wave, but I knew she wasn't happy to see me with two other females being as she is very wary of frat boys and school athletes. This, she has stated to me herself on multiple occasions, and is extremely worried between me and her getting heavy. I really like this girl, but I'm having a hard time making it slow between us. I think I've typed the bare minimum, and I'd really like to not do any hw right now considering I just had a test today and I have another test on Thursday, that going to be really really hard. I got 2 A's on the first two tests from this class but thats only because I had the answers and this time I most definitely wont be so lucky. Back to Madden and notetaking.........................

Year 3 Week 10 Day 1

Today is Monday. Once again I am at work and studying for a test in my Networking class tomorrow. This will be my second test; the first one I got a 74 on. Hopefully with a bit more help I will get at least a B I'm hoping.
Funny how situations change. After an entire weekend of seeing C being hit on by another horny Dominican pussy assailant, I think I'm about half way through getting over her. It no longer bothers me to see my ex J, but it does bother me to see C, who was just last week pouring her heart out about getting good grades and me being a distraction to her life. I let it go though.
Its hard to say where I'm headed relationship wise; my little man A says that I get a new girl every weekend, which definitely not true, but I can admit that I do have a regular rotation. This is to my own doing though, just so I have a healthy handful of relationships to choose from when I want to take things to another level. I know, its a very greedy thing to do, and not people can do it, or are blessed with the people skills that I have. But as far as I'm concerned, I use my talents wisely, as to not take full advantage of them and completely become the player that everyone thinks I am. But fuck relationships and females.
I'm still worried about my test tomorrow, and I can't get last week's test out of my head because I am so afraid that I'm not going to pass it. I have one test left and then a final and thats going to be it. I very well might be out of this University. So the females should be going out the window at this point.

Year 3 Week 9 Day 5

Today is probably one of the worst Fridays on my life. I feel like going to play some guitar hero. Today I had that test I told you about, and it went horribly. I don't think I got one answer right. Although there were only 4 questions on the test and probably no else did really great on that test either, I really hate myself for the way I performed on that test. I can't stand doing bad or at least know that I did bad on that test. Forgive me for typing so fast that I can't even check that what I'm writing is reading correctly but I honestly don't care right now. I don't care about anything right now and all I want to do is lay down and just sleep forever. I just want to sleep until at least I graduate from some college if not this one. That is becoming more and more of a reality to me everyday now. Which sucks, because I love it here and I definitely don't want to leave but I think God may have it in store for me to get kicked out of here, and go to school back home. My mind is racing right now, as I sit here at work, where my ex also works on the fifth floor and I want to just die and be buried already. I am beginning to not even care what happens to my life anymore just for the fact that I keep messing up and I keep having to fix what I do to myself and pretty soon I wont be able to fix every mistake that I make, I'll just have to live with them and thats going to suck, I can just feel it already.
This is probably the most crappy entry I've written so far but really honestly don't give a shit anymore. I wish I could've did it all differently and could've automatically came to SU and started out doing Information Technology and I wouldn't be worried about having to getting kicked out of this school for good now and having to go to Onadoga Community College, which sucks by the way. I am fucking starving out of my ass right now and I need to get a few slices of pizza and just play my PSP and clear my head. To anyone who is reading this, regardless of who you are and where your from or what your background is, just do me this one personal favor: say a little prayer for me.

Year 3 Week 9 Day 3

Today was a very stressful day. I had a midterm for my info tech class and I;m not really sure how it went. Even thought I got some help on it, I wouldn't be suprised if I got less then a B on it. After I graduated from high school, I was never really able to achieve really high grades anymore. And It's not like my high school grades were a whole lot higher than they are now; I was getting B+ and A- and a C here and there. Sometimes I wonder, is college really for me? Do I belong here? Because a lot of the time, my performance doesn't reflect it. I mean my mom has always told me that I was smart, and so have others and at times I do feel as though I am. But now that I sit here and think about it, its because I'm not so smart about the decisions I make. Being all the way this far from home and thinking for myself has been good for me, but I having paying a hefty price for thinking about living in the moment and not for my future.
I'm only halfway through the week and I am completely exhausted. I haven't been sleeping too much since before this past weekend which was Halloween was a terrible weekend by the way. The Red Sox won the world series, but my house got completely trashed. I also have a test coming up this Friday and even though I've been lightly studying for it since Monday, I dont feel good about it at all. I just don't grasp the material as well as everyone else does. I seem to look for specifics that everyone else isn't concerned about. With that and that fact that its just a complicated engineering class that I've taken twice over already. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as though I'm going to fail this test and most likely I will in all honesty. Because I just don't get it. I never fully understood anything I did in my engineering courses but for some reson I felt like I needed to continue down the failing path that I was already on. And that's why I'm in the rut that I'm in now.
I will be studying all night tonight for this Statics test and I don't know how much studying I will get down tomorrow because I have to go to work and I have an information session for my frat tomorrow and who knows how long that will carry on for. All in all, I am super-busy right now and I don't have any more time to devote to this inline blog crap diary.

Year 3 Week 9 Day 1

I don't know if I'll be able to come back next semester. The truth about me is that I am on academic probation, and I was actually suspended from the university for a year because I had horrible grades after I had first gotten on academic probation. I had go through an entire process of appealing and getting around seven letters written from family friends to let me back into the university and I can't let them down. Last year I was very short on money and I had asked my childhood mentor to ask his rich friends if they could help pay to get me back into college and they did. I got back in and then thats when I got on academic probation.
It sucks, being in a position that I'm in because I had a lot of options and a lot of outs to be on a better track than I am now, and everything, meaning my entire future is riding on how well I do in school these next four weeks. And honestly, I don't know if I going to make it. I should've have dropped statics when I had the chance. I have four classes, well technically five. Intro to Info. Tech, Intro to Networking, Ethics in the workplace and Statics, which is an engineering fundamentals course that I've already taken twice and failed both times. The reason why I chose to take it over again is because I wanted to the two F's erased and a new grade put in. My Networking class, theres a good chance I would get a C in that class. My Info tech class, probably a B in all honesty and my ethics class I'm am really really hoping for an A, because I got an A on the first two tests and theres two more. I know that I am probably in danger of failing statics class again, but I haven't gotten my first two tests back from the professor yet, but I know they will not be passing grades. I also have a test coming up in this class on Friday, and I most definitely have to get a least, reasonably a C or a B on it to maybe get a D in the class. Right now, I'm thinking that there is only one way to do that, well two if I go the route I could've always been going with which is choosing to allow God to help me and fully and completely rely on him to help me get passing grades or do it the bad way. I don't know what to do right now but just pray that I get through this semester with a 2.5 GPA or I'm am terminated indefinitely from this school and that would really suck.

Right now I'm at work studying for my midterm on Information Technology I have on Wednesday and I'm really bothered by the fact that I felt good about the last test but I didn't study that much and I got a D. But all my labs are's A's and all my quizes are A's and my first project was an A. II spent the night before that test having an intimate physically relationship encounter with C, who has since then dropped the ball. Thats why I hate the females at this school. I can honestly say that I wish this was an all boys school, because thenI know I would get more studying done and I would be getting better grades on my tests. But forget all of that, because these stupid bimbos are always going to be in the way of what I'm trying to do in life, but I can't let them stop me from doing anything that I have to do. If I haven't been doing that, I will be doing that from now on.

These stupid wack ass relationships I tell you about are so pointless.My ex J wanted to get into a argument about favors with me today and I didn't want to hear it. C has been meaning to call me for the last two weeks and she was supposed to be here studying in the lib with me after she played me at lunch today but I haven't heard from her and I have an hour and a half left to my shift. She just always shows up a day late and a dollar short. But forget about her, because she should be nothing but a worthless freshman to me right? According to her logic.................
The only good news I have to report is that I'll probably have a job for the sumer because I have a good major now and its probably easier to find a job in it. And thats not even really good news. I'm just happy things are going ok with J, the new senior I've been working on. Both she and I have a lot in common and my only concern is her boyfriend for now, who she was with for four years and is in the middle of a break up with. But you know, she's listed as single on Facebook (shut up, I know) and she has no pictures and shows no signs of having a boyfriend on the outside. Only when she has a guilty spells for being with me so much. We've talked like a week straight since I invited her over for a movie which was a success by the way and I can't get over how good she smells. My deepest concern about her is that she has no buns. She possesses no rear end to gawk at when she walks by. I find it so hard to believe that she is of Dominican descent (my favorite type) and has no ass. Its a mystery.
But now I'm sick of writing and I'd like to get to studying for my midterm on Wed in two days. wish me luck....

Dont mind the typing errors I didn;t bother to proofread.

Year 3 Week 8 Day 3

Me and my ex-girlfriend both have the same job, and We've coincidently worked everyday this week at the same times for 6 hours a day. Today is fourth day in a row of such an occurrence. The sting I get....
In, contrast, the week could've been worse. The Red Sox made it to the world series. At least someone from my city is doing things right. I honestly think that there might be a link between the Red Sox and my personal life, because since they won I've established a good start to a new relationship with a beautiful female, J, a senior here. But nonetheless, my constant life long, bad luck streak still prevails because the beautiful relationship that was progressing might have come to an end with C. I got a phone call last night saying "I need to stop the distractions, I want to get more work done." which mean termination of relationship. Though those words were followed by a lot of explanation as to why she was telling me this, and why she felt that way and it was for the most, understandable anxiety towards good grades. But even through the phone her breath wreaked of bullshit. My booty rights had been revoked. I may be over be exaggerating a bit, but in situations like this, I expect the worst possible outcome so that I won't be completely let down. Its something of done ever since I got fully acquainted with members of the opposite sex, and recently applied to my entire life. Hope for the best, but know the worst is coming.
Why dont we keep today's entry positive---So I met J yesterday at the library and I immediately engaged her in conversation. What was supposed to be a brief update on life turned into a long saga on life and people, and we ended up studying/chilling together for 3 hours, my entire first shift. We then left the library and went to get food and I bought her a slice of pizza. Everything we walked past and everything we did was subject for conversation. Since we talked about EVERYTHING, including our ex's, I talked about how I like to stay in on the weekends now and watch movies. Which is true, because my Thursday nights are usually spent completely alone because all my bros work overnight shifts, and I have one class on Fridays so I usually go pour myself a drink and watch a movie. Saying this sparked her interest, and she asked me again what I do on Thursday nights and what kind of movies do I watch. She then took my number and said that she would call me on Thursday, and with enthusiasm told me that we would "work something out". I would say this caused a large amount of excitement, and she went home after that, but she was still in my head.
The buzzers ringing, I guess my time is up..............

Year 3 Week 8 Day 1

The Red Sox won the division title last night. The inconsistency reminds me of the everyday life I live in college, which I why I'm so drawn to it. I can't help it, I'm a man.
I have a solid fifeteen minutes straight that I have to write and I don't know what I should write about. For one, I wrote yesterday, and for two, I really hate putting down my feelings like this but to avoid any bills for when I would be going to the psychiatritists office, I'll do anything to save a buck. I guess you could say that there's nothing on my mind that I want to talk about, but that wouldn't be true. What's truth is the fact that I've spent the entire trying NOT to think about certain people and things. One namely being my ex, who remains an eyesore on this campus for me. The other, being the situation with S whom I visit today. Ya know, J told me to just leave her alone, and just let her show me attention. And I should have definately took his advice the moment he gave it to me, because I come to the realization that I lot of women aren't worth the effort I put forth. They tell me that I'm too nice, and its true. I spend energy trying to get to know people when I should just get a couple of fuck buddies on campus and be happy. But I'm not. That doesn't fly for me, because as you should already know by now, I'm all about people and relationships between them. But I guess that what happens in New York; there's so many people here no one can be just platonic friends, its either your doin it or your not. This perhaps, applies to the entire adolescent world and not just here, but I feel as though it might be amplified a bit here because everyone is so impersonal around here.
I've been listening to my music a lot lately. For some reason music has bumped itself up on the important scale in my life. It is the filler for everything thats giong on with me right now, and whenever I have more than five quiet minutes, I throw one some beats. Maybe its because I'm a DJ for all my frat parties. Supposedly I do a good job and that makes me feel good about something I'm doing in my life. I think it might be because I have been finding that a lot of lyrics and song themes are similiar to situations I've been in. Partly because I have changed what I listen to a bit. I'm starting to listen to more hardcore rap and gospel rap. Amazingly, I identify with the material so I listen to it more often. I also think that it might have something to do with the music that my brother A listens to in his car every time he gives me a ride someplace.
Great. I didn't have to think too much about the bullshit going on in my life and I wrote for a full straight fifeteen minutes. Thanks for your time. too bad I have to keep writing in this stupid thing.

Year 3 Week 7 Day 7

Today is SUnday.
The Red Sox are playing tonight.
I am once again in the library, completing my assignment for Iformation Technology. I am once again sitting next to the same female from when I first time I wrote in this blog. I haven't spoken to her for three days, which seemed like a while. Now sitting across the table from me (because I asked for privacy) she wants to play "footies" under the table. What an interesting relationship we have; while already being physically involved, emotions begin to appear when I heard her pick up her cell phone and say "Hi baby!" just now. But I can't be worried about that, even though my face shows it.
I went away last night. Me and three other of my fraternity brothers traveled to Binghamton University to visit the brothers and the pledge at that school. We did just that, and I was so lucky to enhance a relationship with a female friend I had on that campus. I overall enjoyed myself and I think my brothers did too. This could have been contributed to fact that our underage drinking this week took place in a bar that we had snuck into only because of our sticky social web.
Interesting how things change in a week. One of my relationships has been significantly reduced with S because she has begun to date her old boyfriend. Did I mention he dumped her on her birthday a month ago? This was the opening I was looking to take advantage of, but that's just the kind of luck I get. I'm not really sure where I was going with that relationship, with the dinner and the movies and the random visits and the lunches we ate together. I guess I was trying to establish a decent friendship before making a move. Doesn't matter now. Sucks huh?
I think I'm going to get up early tomorrow and go to the gym. Lately, I've been trying to use my spare time wisely, seeing as I no longer have a nagging chihuahua/girlfriend, I have been trying to go up a level, physically so maybe I could impress someone into being my girlfriend. I think self-improvement is probably the single most best thing I could do right now with my time, and I most definitely love to lift weights. Everyday I smile at everyone I see, but I have this certain amount of anger in me that can only be suppressed by working out. Most of this anger stems from the way I am treated and the way I react to the way people treat me. Girls try and make me do everything they want because I'm a nice person and my brothers almost never listen to anything I tell them. I definitely beginning to change my attitude and the way I carry myself. I want to be more strict with people when they cross my lines, and I should have a little bit easier time saying "no" to people. I will be taken seriously and treated with respect all the time.


Funny how New York changes people......................

Year 3 Week 7 Day 2

I am not a female. I do not wish to write down my emotions or my crush of the month in a journal, but because I DO wish to get a A in my Intro to information technology class, so I chose to blog my thoughts and assessment of my life at school(and because podcasting sounds too complicated). My name is B.T.E.K. and any other name you see written by me will only be in the form of initials either the first and last, or maybe just the first.



Today is Tuesday at SU. Its Tuesday all over the world, but here you can feel it. When you wake up, before you even look at your clock or you watch, your brain does a mental check and takes a guess at to what time it is and what day it is. Something told me today "Guess Tuesday".
Something particularly heavy on my mind right now is relationships. Not dating in particular, but just relationships in general. And the way I, as a person, handle them. Relationships in general are screwed up. They never go your way, you always feel like your doing too much or like someone is bothering you too much or like your want to see or hear more from some else. And this is not just between male and female interactions, its male and male and female and female friendships and relationships.

Last night sucked for me. The weekend was great, but last night sucked for me. When you in college, you establish a lot of relationships. People consider me a social butterfly so one could say that I have established many relationships. There are also many different kinds of relationships and different levels and different capacities to which we know people, and I have been become quite familiar with one female in particular. The first one this year, which I don't really like to acknowledge on a personal level is A. Bad call on my part. The second one was L. If only I had a clean shot at taking it all the way. And the most recent one is C. Whom I am currently sitting next to. But since she is younger than me, I have to submit to her games that every male and female play in the blossoming stages of any relationship. Thus I am paid no mind unless we have a physical encounter. And I still haven't told you why last night sucked for me. I was trying to form another close relationship with S.F. too which extent I was overtly nice and actually cooked for her. I then made future plans to just genuinely watch a movie and order some food and to my luck I get another positive reaction. At this point I should probably tell you that I am a few months released from a very hectic relationship for two years. So when I put that much effort into a person of the opposite sex, that clearly means that I am considering them for courtship. I got the green light from her roomate, which doubles as her best friend to make a move. I had been asking her advice about everything and I was making all the right moves. S had apparently just come out a 2 year long relationship as well which she had been abruptly separated from on her 18th birthday not too long ago (among other asshole activities she has been on the back end of ending then). This mystifies me, and let me know if you have any suggestions as to why, but now she has started to "talk" to him again, despite all of the nice things that I can't even begin to start listing, including the visits, the sleepover ( nothing happened, I assure you), and what seemed to be a mutual understanding and coping with our recent splits together.


What's interesting about all the relationships I've developed, is that many of them have been formed off the basis that I'm in a fraternity. And as you can imagine many of them have decomposed for that same reason. Everyone has more than one personality, or different shades to their being if you will. People feel different in the morning than they do in the evening, and we all have a different attitudes from day to day, so when I say that I'm in a fraternity this means nothing to the fact that I am who I am. I consider myself a nice, kind hearted, smart adolescent male, but college changes you in some ways. I feel as though I have become a bit colder or hard of heart since I've been living here. I will never let go of the fact that there are some places in this world that are more pleasant to be in then others. I feel as though my hometown of Boston is more of a comfortable place to be then the state where I go to school in NY. One thing I can't stop doing is comparing how things and life and females and services and restaurants and pedestrians would be nicer if I was still in Boston. But I'm in New York now, so I have to be wary of who I am nice too. But I'm still too nice, I still and stop and talk to 75% of the people I say hello to on the quad, I still like to give tidbits of personal info about my life to people just to see what their opinion is, I still hold doors and pull out chairs and give the person in front of me in the grocery line a dollar if they're short. But I think my kind-heartedness is on another level, and it might actually be too much. After all,I have come to fact that my relationship for the last to years with J was based off of me just "settling" and trying to make someone happy.
How much longer can I last like this? Shouldn't I be cracking right now? Damn I'm hungry.......