what the fuck does depression feel like

Ive been trying really, really fucking hard not to document this. THis chain of events...these feelings these mindsets I assume. Living in nyc has made me bottle up and release at the worst times. I think Ive come froma place where I had the ability to release at different times, or even give off a smart release, where the results are favorable....the results are never favorable anymore. I cant tell you why and when exactly Ill rage on someone...but mostly Ive been taking my anger out on my old girlfriend. It pings my heart to even say that because I got caught cheating over 10 times. I wouldve struck out 3x with any other girl. Ive also built this complex of lies where I was unable to keep her from finding out because there was jus ttoo many open points of exposure to this girlfriend. I told her so much about me...about my past that I felt safe with her. even when I started doing the things I normally did with other girlfriends. like lie and see other women. She found my weakness. Thats anpother subject but she found my weakness and its her. Without her I feel like I am dying slowly. Ive watched her cry so many times....and I was the cause of it.....she says she doesnt hate me but I dont believe her.... There has to be some hate in there....no one could love me that much...thinking out if makes me want to cry a little bit.... I had a few crying spells since Ive bene here... the last one I had was in the stock room at work at Rockefeller and I had to run back in the room to try and keep people from seeing my tears. I feel like Im too big to cry. I feel like Im too pussy about certain things. I hate being alone. I HATE being alone at home. I hate smoking alone. I hate watching movies alone. I hate drinking coffee alone sometimes. I wish I could have tea with just someone...anyone...and just a conversation about how I can help myself. Ive submitted to the self help era. I think im failing so many things...I started listening to audio books with self help topics (really only 2 books) and I havent finished them yet. The first book I started listening to was called the code of the extraordinary mind. I shouldve finished it by now but its taken me about 2 or 3 months so far to get about half way through. The other book I started and now im on chapter 6 which is certainly halfway through. I think ill finsh one of these books by the end of the week. I may just sit down and take notes on them for an hour. One hour of mono logue and one hour of just audio book. I need to work on leaving more of an impact on this world then getting pussy. I just hunt and hunt and hunt for pussy non stop now that I have no girlfriend...and I cant stop but I want to. I think I had a revelation one time that when girls give me thier pussy its how I know I am still good, and worth something. WHen girls arent throwing themselves at me I feel less important. I know this is flawed thinking. Totally a hundred percent flawed. I think Im going to focus more on this over the course of the next few days. I wanted to stop smoking until my birthday. i am going to denver with some fuckin chick I cant stand. I really honestly cant stand her for more than a few hours and I got a whole 3 day trip with her. Over the last year or so ive developed a complex where I think white women just collect black guys like trophies and trivialize us and tokenize us. Im not sure where I got this ideal from, other than the fact that all these black men like me getting shot by white police officers, I realized I understand that THEY dont understand US and some of them don't even want to understand us. And I dont bring it up with any of my white friends because I think Ill make them uncomfortable and they wont be honest with me. I fuckin hate my mind for liking pussy so much. Im at work right now. Tyring not get fired. Feeling obsolete becasue Im not trained for more or a promotion and the company just got bought out and they only helping the HAVES not HAVE NOTS in here....also hiring people from some sort of hedge fund and theyre stiff people with asshole faces and coffee breath. How my relationship with God? Bad. I think that because I dont pray that much anymore. Havent been to church in a while either. I moved from the bronx to brooklyn and havent found a church there yet...but I need to be able to just pray and connect with my family more often. I feel like I have no one to reach out to in my family thats successful enough....if they are I dont think theyre exactly approachable. I have a small ray of hope connect with wyatt. my moms husband. Hes pretty new, about 2 years in...and was married before. I think a divorce needs to happen to some people to help them realize they were very very assholy. AS it stands right now I think I wouldve gotten divorced from by now. I tweeted some shitty shit about the ex I loved and had to retract it. That felt pretty bad. It also felt bad cheating on her but it almost in my mind was like eating while she was asleep; in my mind it satisfies a appetite and it doenst disturb her. Until she finds out....I am so fucking sorry I did that. Ive thought this a million times but there is no word for how fucking bad I feel...even though I know its after the fact. I've having moments where I can se into the future a bit now and see how bad things can get if I go through with the decision to lie/cheat. I just dont know why men everywhere are having this problem...where we mistreat women and try to lie to them like theyre not smart and cna find out things. In a way cheating is form of misogyny. I find that when I tell most of my niggas that I cheated they kind of shrug thier shoulders...or some are like yea "not me". Ive found a common mentality where the man thinks that if his woman is happy and shit that they are "allowed" to cheat sometimes, as long as she doesnt find out. But like, they go looking for stuff to "find out" on a regular basis. My fucking GOOGLE LOCATION HISTORY??!?!?!? Part of me thinks this relationship has to be over because of things like that and its effect on my mind....I have like a micro agressions about that shit...like why the fuck would you do that...and Im sure she has lots and lots of micro aggressions about me that we need to write down and just address. and hopefully put to rest. I dont want anyone else. I dont want to fall in love with anyone else. I do because its fun but nah this girl loved me. and he was with me since she was 22 and is now 27. I cant think of a worse time to leave someone... I need to be left. I need someone to dump me. I think i need meds for this stuff. I have an appointment with a therapist this week. Ive been pretty excited to see this guy and maybe hell tell me how to solve this riddle. How to be a full man without the inhibition to hunt things like jobs money or women? Its in our DNA we are wired to hunt things...and when we get comfortable and dont hunt I think we lose touch with crucial traits...like being brave enough to talk to someone you need something from. or the ability to assert yourself over a situation thats wrong i dont know...I just feel like a little generally neutralized as a man in a relationship. Part of our power sort of comes from having this alpha male instinct.... I think one real key ill have to apply is taking people more seriously. Right now I think I only take myself as serious as I need to and no one else. This life of pablo album and 4 44 album have so many themes in it I wonder how my favorite rappers dealt with shit like this....goddamn Ill be 31 this friday without a prayer for a "good" future....God help me before I self destruct. I honestly think suicide is posisble for me I just dont want to do it right now....lets see how this next week plays out....

.tell me where you are.

Im in Bonn Germany. I am in the 26th day of Decemeber 2017. I took this a vacation day off of work. this whole week actually. Im in a place where customs was lose because I snuck in a 8th of weed in m lint roller. fuck the police. Im approxomateily 24 hrs from one of the largest events in my life. I confessed to my girlfriend of 3 years than I had repeatedly cheated on her. 4 times in all. at this point. That was also our first day in germany. I cant believe im still alive. We stayed up until i dont even know what time...i waas so afraid to look at my phone. I left it here in the hotel room to go outside and smoke weed, right after defending having changed a girls I havent truly slpet though. I should be dead right now. Because I truly believe this woman loves me. I know i love her too I just am addicted to pussy. not just any pussy, her pussy. and ocasionally I like to dip into what Im missing, or at least what I feel like Im missing. Or in ess selfish terms if I want to keep the girl of my dreams I need to tell her I commit to her for the rest of my life. Only thing is, you cant have fresh salmon for any reason whatsoever. So it looks like in the next tab over, as a remediation step was to book an appointment with a professional psychaitrist usomewhere uptown. ya not fun but I really honestly think if I can unlock my brain from this addiction I prayed and asked god to trade in this pussy addition bone for an addiction to work. and being honest, to a fault. I feel like Im on a loop that I can see my way out of but never seem to jump completely out of, but always seem to get close. I think Im there now. I keep leaving things like phones and laptops open and she just keeps finding stuff....I think Ive been subconsciously leaving them open so I dont have to confess things she can just see what happened, how and where. I would never have the guts to just walk up to someone I love you and seriously I slpet with someone else but I still love you and I dont know whhy I did it or I do know why I did it and....Im trying not to od it again? See cheating is fucking weird. You dont get a medal or anything for not doing it, but if you do it, shame on you goddamn you, you bastard, your a terrible person, you dishonest perosn......blah blah...and some of those things may be true but the most truest thing of all is I love this girl, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Kinda hard to tell her that after all that truth in one night....those words just fall deaf on th floor. Crazy how shit unfolds in life. Fuckin abosolutely... I think I just realized I can change on my own. I was high as hell before but still I know I can change on my own. What i need is this psychiatrist to tell me meaningful goals and objectives to hit that will help me on this rehab path back to being just simply dateable again. I realize what ive done is worng, and i am so sorry and truly truly hate to watch her react to the pain ive caused, and right now i dont evenc are who i get to marry I just want them to know i can do ANYTHING to keep them happy. I just hope its Natalia....

THings I do that make my girlfreind hate me: Cheat on her. Wake her up at 7 am on Saturday mornings. back to back. Make her think that shes not enough. Make her think that she makes me angry. Invite her over and then invite 5 guys over and pay her as little attention. Make her think that Id rather be with someone else. Think that I just do things like malicouslsy do things like wake you up early on a weekend Leave texts open and change contacts names

by far by far by farrrr......

New York has been the most eye opening experience in my life. hands down. Just found out my roommate of almost two years and frat brother has been stealing money from me. Its illegal in a rent controlled apt to charge a subletter more than the rent. This dude charged me and T more and then asked us for utilities. Whats worse is the shitty smut receptionist I introduced to him, knows this ( i told her about 3 days ago) and she went and hung out with him. After I told her that I got a lawyer to deal with this. Weird. and shady. didnt have any attachments to this girl, but I did trust her with info and it feels like a somewhat betrayal. I introduced her to this kid... and she sees nothing wrong with it. but is also like 24...when i was young I never saw the light either until it was too late.... Little things like this are always happening to me...the insult to injury is the fact that I saw someone get shot on the block adjacent from mine and Ill never be the same after that. I thought I heard a nail gun a few days back and couldn't even see it but my heart rate rose like crazy. I'm def suffering from trauma...but I'm too lazy to get a therapist again... I've kind of grown to hate them because I've had to see them my whole life. That and why does the pursuit of my sanity come with a weekly co pay? Doesn't anyone in this world want to help for the just sake of the greater good of humanity?? Ive also become marginally more racist since I've moved here. I think all white ppl just pretend to care about black peoples problems. I also fully believe this guy Donny pres is the reason for my world being so topsy turvy lately. A nigga started a podcast to increase my visibility in the media and film world, but this is the second time Ive gotten scammed here. I plan on turning all his friends against him. I plan on peeing in all of his jordans just a little bit. This faggot is a spaz and deserves the most vile payback for stealing 6,700+ from me. and this smut who actually share a fucking cubicle with me goes and hangs out with him. Im calling another lawyer today. I want to get paid for damages as well. I dont even know what happens when you dont pay out for a lawsuit....but I want this kid to pay me the 17grand and THEN go to jail. I've been thinking of telling her dude has herpes too. but fuck it ill just let her catch it. She deserves it. For being desperate. I literllay watch the admin of my dept swipe left and right on guys all day...what also annoys me is all these lil girls out here tryina fuck and when I say have you ever touched a black guy and they say no! so thyere willing to be a smut as long as the person looks like them? GODDAMN that shit bothers me so much... I mean personally but also not personally... I have this idea that if youre looking to fuck you should be able to to find someone to fuck, and good. why not chose a black guy?? Im tried of feeling like everyone is scared of me...but thats another conversation for another day. You know what else Im dealing with is this shitty ass job getting bought out. Thats right, my company got bought out, because primarily it wasnt making any money. This part, soley in my opinion, is attributed to the fact that I think everything here is done backwards. From the phone system needing to be upgraded but never being done, the support call workthrough being broken multiple various ways. I know I cnat be racist all the time but its so fucking goddamn hard not to be. I sware every single white person I talk to is one of two ways. They either the oblivious high mid class type or theyre the not rich non chalant white people reaping the benefits of being white while trying to empathize with the people of color around them. Like their problems always seem so small to me. Its like they always want a better job and more money...nicer classier clothes and apartment. Alot of my friends are just broke, and dont know which bills to pay first. Fuck, im broke too and thats all I think about. Getting right. What I need to do is just BE RIGIHT. I just took a 20 minute cry break in the stock room. again. this time I had to mop up the snot off the floor and make sure the monitor I punched wasnt broken. My girlfriend calmed me down and my buddy Al from the copy center helped distract me. But I just had a certified breakdown. Enough of this shit, these faggots dont deserve my tears

Caged by women

I am a creature of the night, and I cannot be held responsible for my primal instincts after the sun goes down

You can not control me. You will win the battle but the war for my sanity is already my victory. As soon as your value to me reaches it's lowest point I will ex communicate you from existance

The moment you realize change comes from within

being 30 years old sucks dick. I say that because when I woke up alil after 5 this morning the energy around me felt weird. my spirirt flt hindered. by something. Im walking around half hampered by my sins of infidelity, but also hampered by the rejection imfacing by females around me. side bitch cut me. reach bitch aint reply constructively once. main bitch dont trust me, forever. Im in a fuckin hole now. work bitches dont understand me. never have, never will. A nigga cant even get gigs out here cuz I dont know how to search for em right. Feeling suppressed but also just straight hopeless. Ive made the mistake of expressing myself to other people that arent my current girlfriend and didnt get back any kind of results I had hoped for. Its almost insane the level of anger that surges through my body everytime I come up the stairs and see people waiting for someone other then me to speak and answer questions. Fuck em. There will be a day when I come up that escalator and people will cheer for me. There will be a day when everywhere I wlak people will revere me. I don't want to be worshipped I just want to know my voice is heard. Im at work now and its 9 44...my ADHD seems to keep me from completing anything....and my phone reminder just told me to turn a weakness into a strength. Cant seem to figure how to turn MY WEAKNESSES into strengths. But I seem to be able to somehow perfectly assess other peoples problems and even come up with a solution too. Absurd. If I went myself I wouldve punched me in the head by now. Maybe that means its time for more meaningful changes in my life.

things will be like this forever if I dont take hold of my life

Goddamn I feel mediocre. I feel basic. I feel like a regular ass nigga in this city. Crazy thing is its like, even if do make it where I want to go, that ill never be on top. Like there will always be someone more richer, smarter faster then me. And Ill always be competing with that person. That's what new york has taught me so far. Ive alway learned how to get scammed and lied too in various ways. From trumps bullshit to giving up a gracious $2475 to a craigslist scammer that was never recoverd, I feel like life is a lie. Like I could lie, like my dad, for the rest of my life and probably get away with it. Or most of it anyway. Like ive been doing but..... Thats not what God wants for my life. FOr a while I struggled to find that resolve....but Im not being nieve about schemeing. Living here Ive learned the difference between scamming and scheming. We're all schemers. From the president, to the bitch that takes out the garbage in my office. I might be the only nigga to notice they dont change bags, ever, they just flip the bins over to empty the bin and without using an extra trash bag. I can tell because food i threw out two ago is still on the inside lip of the bin, and the scent of pasta wafted into my nostrils the moment I sat down. Im talking about scamming. Completely ripping a nigga off with out any disregard for where that leaves them. I might be left with a clean trash can but at least its empty and I can use it for what its made for, although I may be dissatisfied with the overall state of it. This nigga straight up mailed me a fake check, and I deposited it. and then wired him money from my REAL account like a moron. Never heard from him agian. After a few nasty messages I realized that was probably one of the saddest moments in my life. Makes me want to cry at this very moment but what Ill tell you, YOU is that you make it out. And you didnt think you would. You under estimated yourself at every turn but I know I found a way to make back the money I lost and then some. Makes me feel like jumping in front of a train. And after watching 30 minutes worth of train vs humans videos I realized that I wouldn't be killed instantly. I cant get a gun and fuck knives or pills. Like jumping in front of a train left a lot of people mangled, dead or alive but basically all twisted up in a painful way and I know that pain would be immense. Fuck my family I just want them to elevate themselves so bad. I just want them to get out of thier own ways.....thats really all I want from them niggas....I feel like I dont even know them sometimes because I was never open with them. I was never upfront, I always felt like I was trying to hide something my entire life. And thats because I did...... Im getting sick of cheating on my girlfriend. And I feel that somehow, my life goals will be achieved if I can figure out a way to stop cheating on my gf. Im down to two ugly, fat hippo slob side hoes. Ive been texting using the word "heauxs" recently but these lot arent worthy of fancy nicknames. And then theres J.....M still comes around but not since before christmas I think. Ive had 3 outbreaks since ive moved here. hooray. My car is currently in the shop because I was jumping the goddamn thing every single fucking week just to move it to the alternate side. Since about a lil after february. fucking annoying. and my apartment has my spare rims in there and then theres this other bitch. God, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? PLEASE make me stop thinking about women. PLEASE I BEG OF YOU LIFT THIS FAMILY CURSE THAT I BRING YOU GLORY with my life and hopefully, my successes. Im trying to write a little stand up comedy these days. Been spending a fraction of my free time putting songs together and its really a hard process. I think I got a few straight verses in me tho. Im just tired of living my life right now. I want to make it better. I dont know how. I think I know, and I think all of us think we know to make our lives better but we dont because we're there and our parents and friends and the school and google can only tell you so much. So you go out and wing it....and you ladn on your feet. Im going to Pray. I am going to put work in and own this monolgue so I can get auditons. I am going to do one stand up open mic for 5 minutes. I am going to get cast in one more project this year. I plan on writing a project this year, in my free time. What am I going to do about this weed now....I smoke a lot of weed now....like a im hgih every night. Im worried about myself, and Ive been doing shrooms from time to time. Im not sue if I should be ashamed, but I know one thing: I plan on improving one thing about myself every single day. for the rest of the year. I dont like to shower. SOmetimes I force myself to go to the gym and work out just to force myself to take a shower. I dusgust myself. But one thing I wont do is waste anymore FUCKING TIME being a mediocre nigga. Theres too many out here. I want be unique and stand out every single FUCKING PLACE I GO. No more bullshit distractions, I NEED TO HURRY UP AND GET WHERE IM GOING. Or youll be here forever. RIght here. In the hood. in a shitty little mismatch bedroom. always 45 minutes late for everything. Im going to work out for a few and take a shower right now.

A 30 yr old's life crisis

Ill be 30 in a month and 2 days. I know fuck me right for counting. Currently finishing a joint.... watching Iron Fist and it sucks so far but its the second time Im watching it. I hate spending more then one day out of my own bed. I went fucking apeshit on my girlfriend today. She says Im selfish. I broke her. I also slammed the door yelled some shit about "move to Europe or whatever" and the light shade on the hallway lamp. shattered glass went every where and my girlfriend was barefoot at the moment. It was a scene. I realized at that moment that I was having a 30 year life crisis. This is the first year I put money down on a NCAA bracket. Nova just took the loss I predicted. Prolly wont win it tho. Goddamn I cannot believe I did that today. We like got into a shoving match over the broom....she said I was scaring her and Ive never heard anyone say that to me before...... I told her I could get more evil then she had ever seen. I made her cry again. Ive lost track of how many times I made her cry. I really hate the sound of girls cryign. They amount times ive heard it is countless and it honestly hurts me in a place so deep I cant even talk about it.....and when I here Natalia cry, its like tapping on my scrotum walls with an ice pick from the inside out, over and over again. Ive always wanted to be everyones hero, espcieally the bitches hero but I just ended being the villan for the one bitch I ever truly deeply loved. And this is like the 3rd time I hurt her. Im afraid of myself a little bit and Ive never said that out loud even. I shot a shitty web series episode today. in brooklyn. Its my first gig in nyc I think. Im not getting paid though. Ive been here 13 months now and it took me this long to book an unpaid gig. Im pretty ashamed of that fact. I dont even think Ill ever amount to anything but I have to follow this dream. I have to do this. Its the only thing I know I truly want to do. I love natalia, and I know for a fact I want her to have my children. She would be such a good mother to anyones kids not just our own. and I know she would try her hardest to stay beautiful whiles shes at it. I think ill fight for her to stick around. Feels like its done but ocne I get through this emo phsase and get a fuckin psychiatrist ill be fine. But I sweare to god Im gonna have to start smoking more weed if I have to shut my mouth more. I reaelly flew off the handle this morning though....I should also mention that I had to soak my penis in hydrogen peroxide today because of an alleged yeast infection? dont ask dont tell but fuck man this shit needs to stop happening.... I feel like God is trying to tell me something..... this is all bullshit and i need to stop caring and play some fucking fifa

The charade

Incredible. Moved to new york city. Reached new levels of depression. Cant tell if its age or just true unhappiness. which wouldve been brought on by sheer failure to be a factor. In any form of the word. I just want to be loved and help people connect and get the most of the over populated city. Woke up today with a half eye jammie. not even sure where it came from but I look like I got out a drunken scuffle and i couldve possibly lost. I have 3 other hives in other random places...finger elbow leg..... my body's changing but I refuse to age. Mark my words, I wont be an out of shape 30 year old. Im driven by the passion to run until I find my sanity. I dont hate basketball anymore. Ive been running a lot more often now. The anger in my heart grows more with each day that goes by. This Game album isnt helping... Im angry because I cant think about the things thatve happened to my people in this country make me want to cry and I cant be weak like that. My girlfriend and side hoes have all come to head; I hate them right now. Except for Nat....losing her will be the end of me. Suicide is contemplateable without someone who understands you in a certain kind of way... I almost live to succeed because of her. Anyways my job has my cube facing the office TV's and between trump bouta be president and more black people being killed by the cops I dont know which way is up. I try to act fearless of the future though.... I still think I'm a rapper. between the lumps in my throat at random times and the fits of rage and anxiety I dont know whether to smoke more weed or stop completely. Only thing that has me inspired lately is Lebron James for some reason. I dont know why but I feel like I dont belong everywhere I go and until now Lebron made me feel like its supposed to be that way. Can't help but feel like something good will come out of this..... My new boss is a bitch. If there's any reason I have to get out of this cube life and proceed to murder this entertainment game its her. Shes a barren woman. To me that means shes a little less heartless then your average woman but the hook here is the bitch been working here 26 years and doesnt tell anyone her birthday because I think shes older then the retirement age.....I wont be here much longer but it seems like time moves faster the older you get. Been here for 8 almost 9 months and Im still a worthless piece of shit who cant even get a tinder match date with a basic bitch that works in my office. And this other bitch with a 5 year old been either curving me or ignoring me the whole summer now. Beautiful on the outside but a little ugly on the inside and Im not surprised shes been getting by like that for a while now....she claims to be an artist too but I really just see a very sad woman who's just finding inspiration in little things because she's unhappy with the bigger picture. Making it to second base with her was a mistake.... I plan on being something no one can ignore, micromanage, or disrespectfully ghost on. Fuck new york now and forever I cant be defeated.

the post was before the one below this

https://youtu.be/Neb50_6aSmQ