fuckin shit show

"At night I can't sleep, I toss and turn
Candle sticks in the dark, visions of bodies bein burned
Four walls just starin at a nigga
I'm paranoid, sleepin with my finger on the trigger
My mother's always stressin I ain't livin right...."
Ghetto Boys - Mind playing tricks on me



SO
Since the last time I wrote, theres been a lot of ups and downs in my life and Ive been meaning to write about it since then, but now the downs are beginning to pile up and Im keeping my head up, but this shit show absolutely needs to be documented I feel.

I am currently in NYC, visiting some frat brothers, and I just got a call today the job I was sooooo sure I had in the bag, wanted somebody else. For some bullshit reason might I add, b/c I was more than qualified for the job and the only thing holding me back was the hour and half commute of entire train line then a 4 dollar shuttle to and from the place. Fuckin amazing...............................

And I accidently stalked a shorty that I was cool with...dont ask me how I find myslef in these situations they just happen to me b/c its me. We were very close at one point, did the tango, and I spent a weekend in NYC with her and she with me up at school and had both great times. By the end of our time together we were kising in public and holding hands, and that all came crashing down when I "demanded" a call or text back, b/c we sort of fell out of touch, and she was biting on the guilt trip I was giving her, and she just snapped and went on a rant about me being crazy and I said she shouldnt act like that and a few other things....later on I contacted her and she still had the same smelly stubborn attitude about the situation so we just ended kinda ruff on that note as well. That was a week ago, and low and behold the idea to stop by her job when I get to NYC pops in my mind and she FREAKS out. not only was she upset, but she asked me to stop contacting her. I felt like shit bro honestly, I felt liek WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO SO WRONG??? I kept it movin cuz and honestly didnt accept the feelings, which went well. I acted like i didnt really care, which I kind of didnt really cuz the future of that situation was farfetched so I just left the building and held onto what little pride i had and threw my beats on and headed to the next suprise spot.

I also wanted to suprise my ex gf by showing up at her job, and that went much much better. A lil advice for the future me, always have a plan B and C and then possible D. The night before me and my ex were talking about not even seeing each other for the summer and not kissing like we have been doing even thought we ve been split up since Feb now, but that all changed when she saw me. A nice warm reception with a big kiss was exactly what I needed at that point, and it made me feel great about the fact that Im handling multiple girls, cuz the normal faithful me wouldve had a harder time with the Y situation. Domincan bitches are fuckin CRAZY by the way whew!!! what a wierd way that turned out. Im still quite appalled, but since I got more than one thing on my plate im glad to say I dont think about it for long. bitches will be bitches....whos know whats going on in there screwy lil minds.............

So funky last few weeks ive been having since I just got home from school a few short weeks ago cuz I had a may class and I been looking for a comp/IT job and theyve been coming and going slipping right out from underneath me,its fuckin crazy the job market right now...... we have a black president who says he's got stimulus money for new jobs out there but when are people like me gonna see it? I wonder...........

and on a even more fucked up note, I lost my car. Yes thats right you heard correctly, I have lost a motor vehicle. Dont ask me how it happened but someone like me, anything is possible and my car is lost. Im so completely fuckin sick and tired of telling the story and now this reminds me that I need to call the police in the city where I go to school and tell them my car has been stolen.
it needed to get towed to get fixed and I was there but I gave triple A an address which turned out to be the wrong one but they towed the car anyway and now I dont know where it is. The fucked up thing about is they said they dont know where it is either and that they never towed it. it was in a parking lot at pep boys and a person was gonna fix it for me cheaper so thats why i needed it moved but it never got there and the pep boys said that they saw AAA tow my car. so fuck it all, i thought it was some kind of big hoax or scam on reality TV joke but FUCK MY LIFE, my car is really gone for good.

So as you can see, the 22 year of this grwon black man's life is just your average punch line, and theres nothing I can do about it. One thing I have learned from these harsh new yorkers is how to keep pushing, and my lil man A, one of my frat brothers has been a tru testament on how to perservere through things to come out on top. I am learning how to do that every day now....and getting better at it.

what sucks is that all this shit was wieghing down my heart so bad, I was sitting here on my boys couch trying to take a nap and I couldnt sleep I was just laying with my eyes closed in though about how fucked up things are. I mean, even though I graduated from college this may (yea thanks, dont be cliche with me though) but Ima just keep moving, just like what ive been taught by Wis, my PM. "Never put your head down."

SO its june and my summer plans got all fucked up, cuz I wantted to stay in NYC for the summer cuz I want to get out of my house cuz my mother is fuckin absolutely crazy sometimes and move in with my stepmom. I couldnt do that now becasue I didnt get the joba nd cuz Im fresh outta money too, I got a 1G for gard money and its al fuckin gone, i prolly got about $50 bucks left. from excis tax on a car I dont have to a fuckin crazy ass light bill i wasnt responsible enough to collect the money from my roomates for.

what fuckin joke....the people who know me really well dont take me serious, and Im not sure why. I need to change bro bigtime. I need to stop lying and being so fuckin nice to people. I lie to get what I want but end I always end up in pile of shit for a hundred dollar bill.
I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me, well I do know that its my value system thats fucked up cuz Id rather lie to a girl about my feelings to get in her pants one more time than tell the truth and just go fuck some slut my boy X introduces me to at a bar. and thats because Im scared of new pussy, cuz you get what you work for ya know? you dont put in very much work the pussy isnt that great and when u work hard its fckin awesome but ive done some things im not entirely proud of to get that pussy like put up with bitchy attitudes and whining and complaining and str8 up ungratefulness. Its appalling the level on endureance I have, but what never ceases to amaze me is the level of attention I pay to the fake face I put on for people I dont really know that well, and that becasue Im not entirely happy with the real me, and showing them the real me which I hate doing becasue the real me is like a old man kinda and I can be very grumpy at times and no one in this god forsaken state seems to be half as flexable as I am


but fuck em... cuz bitches will be bitches and fuckin sick of writing now...a clint eastwood movie is on and thats more interesting than my felings right now
lata