I am not a female. I do not wish to write down my emotions or my crush of the month in a journal, but because I DO wish to get a A in my Intro to information technology class, so I chose to blog my thoughts and assessment of my life at school(and because podcasting sounds too complicated). My name is B.T.E.K. and any other name you see written by me will only be in the form of initials either the first and last, or maybe just the first.
Today is Tuesday at SU. Its Tuesday all over the world, but here you can feel it. When you wake up, before you even look at your clock or you watch, your brain does a mental check and takes a guess at to what time it is and what day it is. Something told me today "Guess Tuesday".
Something particularly heavy on my mind right now is relationships. Not dating in particular, but just relationships in general. And the way I, as a person, handle them. Relationships in general are screwed up. They never go your way, you always feel like your doing too much or like someone is bothering you too much or like your want to see or hear more from some else. And this is not just between male and female interactions, its male and male and female and female friendships and relationships.
Last night sucked for me. The weekend was great, but last night sucked for me. When you in college, you establish a lot of relationships. People consider me a social butterfly so one could say that I have established many relationships. There are also many different kinds of relationships and different levels and different capacities to which we know people, and I have been become quite familiar with one female in particular. The first one this year, which I don't really like to acknowledge on a personal level is A. Bad call on my part. The second one was L. If only I had a clean shot at taking it all the way. And the most recent one is C. Whom I am currently sitting next to. But since she is younger than me, I have to submit to her games that every male and female play in the blossoming stages of any relationship. Thus I am paid no mind unless we have a physical encounter. And I still haven't told you why last night sucked for me. I was trying to form another close relationship with S.F. too which extent I was overtly nice and actually cooked for her. I then made future plans to just genuinely watch a movie and order some food and to my luck I get another positive reaction. At this point I should probably tell you that I am a few months released from a very hectic relationship for two years. So when I put that much effort into a person of the opposite sex, that clearly means that I am considering them for courtship. I got the green light from her roomate, which doubles as her best friend to make a move. I had been asking her advice about everything and I was making all the right moves. S had apparently just come out a 2 year long relationship as well which she had been abruptly separated from on her 18th birthday not too long ago (among other asshole activities she has been on the back end of ending then). This mystifies me, and let me know if you have any suggestions as to why, but now she has started to "talk" to him again, despite all of the nice things that I can't even begin to start listing, including the visits, the sleepover ( nothing happened, I assure you), and what seemed to be a mutual understanding and coping with our recent splits together.
What's interesting about all the relationships I've developed, is that many of them have been formed off the basis that I'm in a fraternity. And as you can imagine many of them have decomposed for that same reason. Everyone has more than one personality, or different shades to their being if you will. People feel different in the morning than they do in the evening, and we all have a different attitudes from day to day, so when I say that I'm in a fraternity this means nothing to the fact that I am who I am. I consider myself a nice, kind hearted, smart adolescent male, but college changes you in some ways. I feel as though I have become a bit colder or hard of heart since I've been living here. I will never let go of the fact that there are some places in this world that are more pleasant to be in then others. I feel as though my hometown of Boston is more of a comfortable place to be then the state where I go to school in NY. One thing I can't stop doing is comparing how things and life and females and services and restaurants and pedestrians would be nicer if I was still in Boston. But I'm in New York now, so I have to be wary of who I am nice too. But I'm still too nice, I still and stop and talk to 75% of the people I say hello to on the quad, I still like to give tidbits of personal info about my life to people just to see what their opinion is, I still hold doors and pull out chairs and give the person in front of me in the grocery line a dollar if they're short. But I think my kind-heartedness is on another level, and it might actually be too much. After all,I have come to fact that my relationship for the last to years with J was based off of me just "settling" and trying to make someone happy.
How much longer can I last like this? Shouldn't I be cracking right now? Damn I'm hungry.......
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